Italy Jokes

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, …

Pope VS. Mufti Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal.He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate.However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and th…

BBC announcement From the BBC - Read by John Cleese. ANNOUNCEMENT The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from ""Miffed"" to ""Peeved."" Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to ""Irritated"" or even ""A Bit Cross."" The English have not been ""A Bit Cross"" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from ""Tiresome"" to ""A Bloody Nuisance."" The la…

A man was asked for his secret to a long lasting marriage... **""Well, i took my wife to Italy on our honeymoon.""** *""so what are you guys doing for your 20th wedding anniversary?""* **""Im going back to get her.""**

The Pope's son An actor and his wife are about to have a baby, but they realize that they can't afford to have a baby. They didn't want to go through the long process that is adoption. However, the pope was there at the same hospital getting a prostate examination. The actor has a plan, after the baby is born, the actor steals a doctor's coat and sneaks into the room where the pope was getting examined. After the doctors leave the room, he walks in holding the baby and exclaims, ""Congratulation…

A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you ""I'm drunk"" is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying ""I'm delicious""

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. ""Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"". ""No Dopey,"" responds the Pontiff, ""there are not"". ""Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?"", Dopey questions. ""No Dopey,"" chuckles the Pope, ""there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."" ""Mr. Pope,"" Dopey asks pleadingly, ""are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"" ""No Dopey,"" the Pope…

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?' The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl!!!' The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?' 'Very good , thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?' 'Which present?' She asked. 'The one I asked for -…

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!' The Priest respon…

On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were standing just inside St. Peter's Basilica, the second largest church in the world. The tour guide explained, ""This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth, or even Mark McGuire."" My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics all around the enormous building. Then one girl interrupted the silence with an aston…

If a woman is born in Italy grows up in England goes to America and dies in Baltimore what is she? Dead.

Several centuries ago, the Pope... Several centuries ago, the Pope ruled that all Jews in must convert or leave Italy. Obviously, there was a huge outcry amongst the Jewish community. The Pope then decided, "So be it. Send to me your greatest scholar, and we will have a religious debate. If he can beat me, then you all can stay." The Jews nominated Rabbi Moshe to represent them. Although he was aged, he was also one of their wisest. However, he spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish,…

Spaghetti. A man has an affaire with an italian woman, and gets her pregnant by accident. Because the man didn't want to hurt his reputation or his marriage he made a deal with the woman. He would financially take care of the kid from birth to the baby's 18th birthday if she would move to Italy and have the baby there. The woman agreed, but she asked how the man would know when the baby was born. He told the woman to send a postcard with just the word "Spaghetti" when the baby was born and …

Terrorism is a serious issue The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warni…

Spaghetti For years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to si…

If World War One were a bar fight. Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia…

Terror Alerts - by John Cleese The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" …

An Italian Girl A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. "Thank you, honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?" He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!" When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?" "Very good," she replies. "And what happened to my present?" "Which present?" she asks. "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!" "Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I c…

The Italian Barber (source: my dad) “What we do for you today?” asked the barber. “Oh, just a good trim,” I replied. “I’m going on holiday.” “Oh?” said the barber. “Where you go?” “Italy.” “Italy!” exclaimed the barber. “I from Italy! Where in Italy?” “Rome.” “Ah, Roma," he sighed wistfully, continuing my haircut. “I have an audience with the Pope.” “You see il Papa??” He turned and shouted upstairs, “Maria! Maria!” “What?” replied an irritated voice from upstairs. “Dissa gennelma…

The aftermath of an Italian affair . . . For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised that he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but she asked how he would know when the…

My friend said to me, "Whenever a World Cup game is on, let's eat something to do with that team for dinner that night." Mexico was on, we had burritos. Japan was on, we had sushi. USA was on, we had burgers. Italy was on, we had pizza. Tuesday is England, so we're going out.

a nice Italian couple . . . At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy…

Fifty Years of Marriage An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of mariage. "Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them. "That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks. "Well, you have to do nice things for your wife." "Such as?" "Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy." "That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?" "I'm going back to visit…

WHO IS JACK SCHITT? WHO IS JACK SCHITT? For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple prod…

Three men were sitting together... bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders …