Fred Jokes

The Mystery Gang have a quiz night. Fred, Velma, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby decide to have a quiz, and split into two teams. Fred is the quizmaster. Velma and Daphne are in one team, Shaggy and Scooby in the other. Fred: Okay, Daph and Velma, Can you name one of the 'Big 5' African animals? Scooby: Rhino! Fred: I know you do, Scooby, but wait your turn. twitter.com/0point5twins

A drunken cowboy... A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. To…

A priest visits a man on his deathbed... When the priest walks over to the hospital bed, the man's condition worsens rapidly. He tries to speak, but can only produce a faint wheeze. Realising that the man is trying to utter his final words, the priest reaches for a pen and paper and gives it to him. As the man slowly hands the note back to the priest, he passes away. Rather than read the note there, the priest tucks it away in his pocket. Several days later, while the priest is delivering the…

The deaf wife problem. Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears yo…

Farmer Fred fertilizes Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young' pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listen…

Fred and Mary got married Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and …

The deaf wife Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,…

The Wooden-Legged Pig Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, he asked, "Fred, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?" "Well, Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!" "And the boar tore up his leg?" "No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had tha…

Potato Patch An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig …

There's only one rule in heaven Three friends, Ted, Ned, and Fred, get killed in a car crash. They arrive all three together at the pearly gates and are excited that they will be let in, but St. Peter warns them, "There is only one rule in heaven, you must NOT step on the ducks, or you will suffer for eternity." The three friends shrug it off, "How hard could it be to not step on a duck!?" St Peter let them in and they were surprised to see that heaven was full of ducks, "What the hell?" Ted …

Happiness Fred lost one of his arms in an accident.  He became very depressed because he had loved to play golf.  One day in despair he decided to commit suicide.  He took a lift to the top of a very tall building, intending to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down when on the pavement far below he saw a man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels.  Fred looked more closely and saw that the man had no arms at all. He started thinking: what am I doing up here feelin…

The guys were all at the Camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, sa…

Now Its the Father Problem Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "D…

Fred A man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asks him, "what is your name?" The man replies "Fred." The cop asks "What's your last name." "I don't have one." The cop is unsure of how this is, so he asks "Why don't you have a last name?" The man begins his story. "I began life as Fred Johnson, and went all through primary school and high school as Fred Johnson. I decided to become a medical doctor after I graduated, so I became 'Fred Johnson, M.D.' After a few years of being…

"32 years old" Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find …

A Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for speeding, and asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, …

Sleeping with Bob The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next…

Satan walks into a church.... Satan walks into a church and sits down next to a guy. Satan asks the guy his name, the guy says Fred. Satan than asks why are you not afraid of me? Fred says, I've been married to your sister for 40 years.

Cop Humour An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut ca…

Political advice A politician, Fred, is beaten in an election, and meets with the winner as part of the transition. “Bob, you beat me fair and square; the people have spoken. But in my tenure, I’ve learned a few things I offer to you now”. Fred produces 3 envelopes. “These envelopes are labeled #1, #2 and #3. Each time you encounter a crisis while in office, open the envelopes in order.” Bob forgets the discussion, but a little while later, a major crisis occurs. He opens envelope #1 and …

Everyone knows Bob. Fred and his friend Bob walked into town one day. "Hey Bob!" one woman said in passing. "Lovely day, isn't it Bob?" said the next man that passed. After the third and fourth person to pass had all greeted Bob, Fred felt compelled to say something. "You sure seem to know a lot of people Bob" said Fred. "Everyone knows me." said Bob. Fred laughs. "Everyone? Hah, not everyone can know you!" Fred says with a chuckle. "Really, ill show you" Bob says confidently. Fred and Bob t…

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me”. “That’s great! What about the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do…

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN Names =========== If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice. If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla. Eating Out =========== When the bill arrives, Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they wan…

A woman gave birth to quadruplets. She named them Eeny, Meeny, Miny and Fred She didn’t want no Mo!

Harry is a golf fanatic. One night he was irate and ranting when he arrived home from the club. His wife said, “I’m leaving you, Harry. You promised me that you’d be back before noon and here it is almost nine PM. It can’t possibly take that long to play 18 holes of golf.” “Now wait” said Harry. “Let me explain. I know I promised, but I couldn’t help it. I got up at the crack of dawn and picked up Fred at 6 AM. On the way to the golf course we had a flat tire, and when I started to change it I …