Fred Jokes

A list of con-man jokes. What? You were expecting your money's worth? Now begger off before I set Fred on you.

Fred and Barney are standing next to the jukebox,... Barney says, ""Hey, Fred, what do you want to listen to? *Rock* music?"" Fred replies, ""You know, Barney, just because we live in the stone age doesn't mean all your puns have to be rock-based. Besides, I have a very eclectic taste in music which better suites my personality."" Barney retorts, ""Well gee, Fred, I wouldn't think any band would play music as tacky and outdated as your personality."" Fred rebutted enthusiastically, ""Well yeah, …

Fred the Uncharitable Shepherd When asked about his personality, Fred the Uncharitable Shepherd replied: ""I don't give a flock.""

Looking for a Wife Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, ""Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"" Fred replied, ""Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."" His friend thinks for a moment and says, ""I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."" A few months later they meet again and his friend says, ""D…

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with …

An old prospector finds a gold nugget... Excited to have a little cash and looking to celebrate, he gets on his donkey and rides it down into town. He walks into the saloon, has some whisky, and then says, ""Bartender, you got any women around here?"" The bartender says, ""Nope. But we got old Fred in the back."" The prospector looks disgusted and says, ""Nope, nope, nope. I don't go for that shit."" gets back on his donkey, and rides back to his mine. A few years later, he finds another nugget.…

The Deaf Wife Problem Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. ""Here's what you do,"" said the Doctor. ""Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.…

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary u…

So Fred whent to a dinner at his friend and his wife. When they sat at the table Fred happens to drop his knife at the floor. When he whent to pick it up, he looked under the table and notice that his friends wife did not had any panties on. *he accidentally slammed his head in to the table* as he whent back up. Later when his friend whent to the bathroom, his friends wife asked him if he liked what he saw under the table, sure enough he said 'yes' Then the wife said 'come on monday after lunch …

Blondi-Jokes These are 2of most hillarious Blondinejokes ever. I hope you like it and Im looking forward to being friends with you in the reddit community 2 Blondines are going around the corner. Afterwards the corner is gone. 2 Blondines go around. Then the first one says to the second one, can i go in the middle please. fred

Egg Sauce [OC] Two chefs, Ed and Fred have been working all day trying to work out the nuances of a very complicated egg sauce of their own invention. They've been working for hours with no luck and it's getting quite late. Fred is beating the sauce with a whisk when the bowl slips and spills all the egg sauce on him. Frustrated he turns to Ed and says ""Let's give up, I'm egg-sauced Ed""

What did Fred from 'Scooby Doo' say when Mystery Inc. finally found a mystery that was too scary for them to solve? 2scooby4doo

Fred and Susan were having their usual loud... ...and endless argument about family reunions. At last, Fred relented. ""I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine.""

Rowboat Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. Fred Jones was married, and Frank Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that Fred Jones' wife died the same day that Frank's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kind old lady met Frank and thought he was Fred. She said, ""Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible"". Frank smiled and said, ""Well, I am not a bit sorry, she …

An old man goes to the movies. (x-post from r/funny) An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, ""Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."" The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. ""Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."" Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he…

My cousin Fred wears lace underpants My cousin Fred, who I had not seen for years, visited us during the holidays. After a good game of racquetball, I noticed in the shower that he was wearing frilly lace underwear. It was kind of awkward, but on the drive home, curiosity got the better of me and I had to ask him: ""Say Fred, I noticed you were wearing some lace underpants."" ""Yeah, they are women's underpants."" ""Oh - okay. I didn't know you were... er... since when did you start wearing that…

A really bad, terrible mistake Fred goes to a doctor and says, ""Doc, I want to be castrated. "" Doc says, ""Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "" Fred: ""Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? "" Doc says, ""Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK. "" He puts Fred to sle…

Telligence one day bob and fred are down in the mine mining, and the boss brings fred up to the surface and has a talk with him, he says ""fred, is there something wrong?"" fred replies ""my wife and child are going hungry, and i am afraid i will never get high up in this mining job"" the boss thinks about this and takes fred over to a tree. ""fred, i am going to show you intelligence."" he holds his hand up to the tree and says ""fred, hit my hand"" fred replies ""i dont know boss, wont it hurt…

The man who knew everyone There once was a man named Tom and one day he was bragging to his coworkers that he knew everyone who was anyone and everyone knew him. After a couple of weeks of hearing this, Tom's boss, Fred, decided to show that this was all a bunch of bullshit. Fred takes Tom to Hollywood and asks him to get Nicholas Cage's autograph. Sure enough, an hour later Tom comes walking in with the autograph and Mr. Cage himself. Fred is impressed, but still not 100% sure about Tom's popul…

Buying aspirin Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms. ""I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."" ""Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?""

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was now at hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket po…

With age comes wisdom. All the guys were at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Leon , because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Leon and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, ""Man, what happened to you?"" He said, "" Leon snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."" The next night it was a different g…

A guy gets a call from his doctor... ... and the doctor says ""Fred, your tests came back and I have some really bad news."" Fred replies ""What is it doc?"" The doctor says ""You're going to die in 10"" ""So I'm going to live for 10 more years! That's not too bad."" he replies. Doctor says ""9...8...7...""

The one armed man I saw my mate Fred this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him. I said, ""Where are you off to Fred?"" He said ""I'm off to change a light bulb."" I laughed and said ""That's going to be a bit awkward isn't it?"" ""Not really"" he said ""I've still got the receipt, you spiteful cunt""

The officer and the speeding Harley Officer stops a Harley for speeding so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and give him a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Te…