Fred Jokes

Teacher: Frd give me a sentence starting with ""I."" Fred: I is . . . Teacher: No Fred. You must always say ""I am."" Fred: Oh right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.

Mother: Fred why did you put a slug in your grandma's bed? Fred: Because I couldn't find a snake.

When Fred was applying for a credit card the manager of the credit card company asked him if he had much money in the bank. ""I have"" said Fred. ""How much?"" asked the manager. ""I don't know exactly"" said Fred ""I haven't shaken it lately.""

Barber: And how old are you little man? Fred: Eight. Barber: And do you want a haircut? Fred: Well I certainly didn't come in for a shave!

Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again? That's funny Mom. I can't remember either.

Fred wrote in her homework book: Margarine is butter made from imitation cows.

Mom: Fred there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday and now there's only one. Why? Fred: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one.

Fred: Your sister uses too much make-up. Harry: Do you think so? Fred: Yes. It's so thick that if you tell her a joke five minutes after she's stopped laughing her face is still smiling!

Fred's mother was on the telephone to the boy's dentist. ""I don't understand it"" she complained ""I thought his treatment would only cost me $20 but you've charged me $80."" ""It is usually $20 ma'am"" agreed the dentist ""but Fred yelled so loudly that three of my other patients ran away!""

""Dad"" said Fred to his father who was a bank robber. ""I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow."" ""OK son"" said his dad ""I'll get you the cash when the bank closes.""

""Why are you crying Fred?"" asked the teacher. "" 'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . ."" ""Fred"" said the teacher. ""You must have known that Wisk's bad for parrots."" ""Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it sir. It was the tumble drier.""

On Fred's 17th birthday his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car the father said ""Just one thing Fred. If you're going to hit anything make sure it's cheap.""

Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you going to keep them ? Stan: In the bathroom Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath ? Stan: Blindfold them !

Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Oh what a shame! And you've been engaged for such a long time!

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say ""Edna I'd like to ride in that there airplane."" And every year Edna would say ""I know Fred but that airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dollars."" One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said ""Edna I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."" Edna replied ""Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars and ten dollars is ten dolla…

Fred came rushing in to his Dad. ""Dad!"" he puffed ""is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"" ""That's what they say"" said his Dad. ""Well give me an apple quick ? I've just broken the doctor's window!""

Home - A - Age Jokes ""That's an excellent essay for someone your age"" said the English teacher. ""How about for someone my Mum's age Miss?"" ""Welcome to school Simon"" said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. ""How old are you?"" ""I'm not old"" said Simon. ""I'm nearly new."" Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. ""How old are you ma'am?"" asked Fred. ""I'm not going to tell you that"" she replied. ""But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the…

""Lie flat on your backs class and circle your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes"" said the gym teacher. ""Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet boy."" ""I'm freewheeling sir.""

The Rich Old Man A rich, brittle, 90 year old man walks into the doctors office for his usual check up. He sits down and waits until the doctor finally comes in: Doc: Hows it goin fred? Old Man: Good doc, but I gotta tell ya, something amazing has happened! Doc: What that Fred? Old man: Well, you know my girl friend is only 25 right? Doc: Yes Fred I remember her, gorgeous girl! Old man: Well doc, she's pregnant! I know thats normal for her but im 90 years old Doc! I must be some kind of s…

New cowboy boots Fred bought himself a new pair of cowboy boots that he had always wanted. He left them on after trying them on at the store. Upon arriving home, he walked in and said to Bertha "notice anything different". "nope" Frustrated, Fred left the room and stripped down, leaving on nothing but his cowboy boots. He walked back to Bertha and said "NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT NOW" Bertha replied "Nope, it's hanging now, was hanging this morning, and will be hanging again tomorrow" Fred …

It is Fred's first day in prison. After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laughter. Then another prisoner stands and yells, "123!" Again, there is laughter throughout the room. Puzzled, Fred asks the inmate sitting next to him what's going on. "Wel…

Just Fred A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hand…

Fred and Marie are residents in a retirement home... Marie says to Fred, "I bet I can guess how old you are." "How are you gonna do that?" asks Fred. "Well," says Marie, "You have to unzip your pants." Fred is a little hesitant, but Marie assures him that there is nothing to fear. This method is quick and 100% accurate. So, Fred unzips his pants, and Marie puts her hand in there and feels around for a few seconds. She pulls her hand out. "You're 93." she says. "That's amazing!" said Fre…

Three old guys are hanging out in the nursing home They're old friends, and every day they sit together and shoot the breeze. One day, Bob, the 70 year old, says "You know, I don't mind getting old. I can still play golf, flirt with the ladies - life's good! But you know what I miss? I miss peeing. Lord, I haven't had a good piss in years - I'd give anything for a good long piss!" Fred, the 80 year old, replies: "Well Bob, life's pretty damn good for me too. But the thing I miss, is pooping. …