Fred Jokes

Breaking News : Fulham have signed Brazil forward Fred to replace the Michael Jackson Statue outside of the ground.

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. ""Fred,"" the driver replies. ""Fred what?"" the officer asks. ""Just Fred,"" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along wi…

What do you call a 30 foot purple dinosaur named Fred who has acne and is scared of penguins? Fred.

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing. After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, ""Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"" ""I'll tell you,"" Fred replies. ""Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."" The other two were absolutely amazed. ""What happened then?"", Joe asked. ""She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like …

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred a…

Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box un…

Q: What do you call a 30 foot purple dinosaur named Fred who has acne and is scared of penguins? A: Fred.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, ""Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"" ""Outstanding,"" Fred replied. ""They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."" ""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, ""What do you call that red…

Fred's class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York. ""Did you enjoy yourself?"" asked her mother when she got home. ""Oh yes"" replied Fred. ""But it was funny going to a dead zoo.""

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo he replied ""it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit I found myself out on the street.""

Teacher: Who was the first woman on earth? Fred: I don't know Sir. Teacher: Come on Fred it has something to do with an apple. Fred: Granny Smith?

""Gosh it's raining cats and dogs"" said Fred looking out of the kitchen window. ""I know"" said his mother. ""I've just stepped in a poodle!""

Who was that on the phone Fred? Fred: No one important. Just some man who said it was long distance from Australia so I told him I knew that already and put the phone down !

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. ""Bad day at the course?"" his wife asked. ""Everything was going fine"" he said. ""Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."" ""Oh that's awful!"" ""You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball drag Harry hit the ball drag Harry.""

The teacher was giving her pupils a quiz on counting. Jackie got things started by counting from 1 to 10. ""Now Fred"" said the teacher ""you take over beginning with 11."" ""11 14 23 42 26"" said Fred. ""What kind of counting is that'?"" asked the teacher ""Who's counting'?"" replied Fred. ""I'm calling signals.""

Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ? Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now Louise who discovered Australia ? Pupil: Fred did !

Fred came home from his first day at school. ""Nothing exciting happened"" he told his mother ""Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her""

The teacher was reviewing counting with her first-grade class. ""Jackie"" she asked ""can you count to 10 without mistakes?"" ""Yes"" said Jackie and she did. ""Now Fred"" said the teacher ""can you count from 10 to 20?"" ""That depends"" said Fred ""with or without mistakes""!

Teacher: If I lay one egg here and another there how many eggs will there be? Fred: None! Fred (surprised): Why not? Fred: Because you can't lay eggs!

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name. ""Fred"" he replies. Fred what?"" the officer asks. ""Just Fred"" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but pla…

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other ""Fred how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"" ""Outstanding"" Fred replied. ""They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization association-it made a huge difference for me."" ""That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"" Fred went blank He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked ""What do you call that flower with…

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ""You should give that money to charity"" said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said ""No I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity.""

Fred: ""Why are you so upset?"" Harry: ""My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."" Fred: ""So what?"" Harry: ""So she said to him 'Doctor this is my husband. You know one of the men I've been telling you about'.""

Two men were remembering their wedding days. ""It was dreadful"" said Fred. ""I got the most terrible fright."" ""What happened?"" asked Harry. ""I married her"" replied Fred.

Betty was scribbling industriously over some paper with a pencil when her mother asked her what she was drawing. ""I'm not drawing Mom"" she said indignantly ""I'm writing a letter to Fred."" ""But you can't write"" Mom pointed out. ""That's all right"" said Betty ""Fred can't read.""