Fred Jokes

A woman tells her husband Fred that if he doesn’t stop getting wasted, she’ll leave him. He takes her seriously and hasn’t had more than one drink in a day for over a month. But he has a bad day. He decides to go to a bar and have one drink. He trusts he can stop, and his wife will never know. But of course, one turns into two, which turns into three…and before he knows it, he’s absolutely wasted. Finally the bartender says, “Fred, you have to go home. I called you a cab. Maybe your wife won’…

The Golden Toilet Fred and Klaus met, as usual, on Tuesday evening to talk about their misdeeds from the past weekend. Fred boasted, "I was at a party over the weekend, and it was insane, the hosts even had a golden toilet!" Klaus replied, "You must be crazy; a golden toilet?!" After some back and forth, they decided to pay a visit to the people who threw the party to see if the golden toilet was real. Sure enough, they arrived at the house later on, where an older woman answered the door and a…

Playful CEO A CEO of a multinational corporation was flying across the Pacific and decided he had to go to the bathroom. So he got up and started walking down the aisle, but just as he passed the plane door it malfunctioned, opened and he was sucked out. Miraculously he survived landing in the water and saw a tropical island nearby. He swam to it, certain that he would soon be rescued. However, fifteen years passed and no one came to his rescue. Fortunately there was a spring on the island and…

A man gets a job at a fancy restaurant Let's call him Fred. After years of honing his server skills at different restaurants, Fred finally manages to land a job at his dream workplace in Athens, Greece. He sits down and has a talk with the owner who tells him all about the history of the restaurant and all the policies he needs to be aware of as a new member of the team. The one he is most fascinated by is the no small-talk with customers rule, as Fred loved to get to know his clientel + it oft…

Chaplain Fred Fred had been a curate in civilian life, so when he joined the submarine service it was decided he should be a chaplain. However, his boat was ordered to leave port the day before he was due to take Holy Orders. In the wardroom that night, Fred was despondent. "Will the men respect me as chaplain if I'm still only a curate and can't give communion?“ "Tell you what", said the skipper, "Captains are traditionally allowed to conduct some services, such as weddings. The service the…

Fred proudly demonstrated his new ultra-compact sports car to his date. After a short drive, they screeched to a halt on a lonely country road. Then, after a considerable amount of foreplay, the girl coyly jumped out of the car and headed for a mossy spot nearby. Noticing Fred didn’t follow, she turned and called “Hurry before I get out of the mood!” He struggled for a minutes and mournfully said “Until I get out of the mood, I can’t get out of the car”

So now, I'm, Just Fred ​ A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. T…

An old lady named Dorothy called her neighbor Fred and said, “Please come help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.” Fred asked, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?" “According to the picture on the box, it’s supposed to be a rooster,” replied Dorothy. “Okay,“ Fred replied. “I’ll come over and help with the puzzle. ”He rang the doorbell, she let him in, and showed him the pieces spread out all over the kitchen table. He studied the pieces f…

Sam said to Fred, “I put £20 on a horse last week, and he came in at twenty-five to one.” “Wow! you must be loaded,” said Fred. “Not really,” said George. “The rest of the field came in at twelve-thirty.”

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car. Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car. The car was totaled. Fred was fine. The next week, Fred was on his motorcycle when a car pulled out in front of him. The car was totaled. Fred was fine. The next week, Fred was crossing the street when a car hit him. The car was totaled. Fred was fine. The next week, Fred went to an immunologist and discovered he had an autoimmune disease.

John is trying to convince Fred how smart his dog is. "Pretend to shoot it," he says. Fred points his fingers at the dog and says "Bang!" The dog does nothing. "See," says John, "He knew you were only pretending."

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade. John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear. "Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on." After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John. "That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back in the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

Snoring like a bear The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's tu…

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon… ... so they go back to Fred's parents' home for their first night together. In the morning, Fred's little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are…

Religious Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his j…

Girl Trouble Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

""Okay Fred Shaggy and Daphne

Dave and Fred Toward the end of the golf course

A Chinese man wakes up on the beach with no memory. He says he thinks his name is Fred. But I think he might be Wong.

Looking for a Wife... Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred

Everyone knows Bob. Fred and his friend Bob walked into town one day.

Fred and Tom are talking about what they are getting their wives for Christmas. Fred says ""Im getting my wife a pearl necklace and a Mercedes. If she doesn't like the necklace she can drive her new car to return it!"

Fred A man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding.

""32 years old"" Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.