First Person Jokes

Female rescue workers An anecdote from /u/ShallowBasketcase: > [I] imagine the firehouse gets a call about a fire, and the female firefighters are all ""ooh, we're gonna have to bring at least one of the guys along to lift the hose."" > I'm not a firefighter, but women at my job are always doing this, despite the job requirements being very specific about the whole lifting thing. > To end this on a positive note at least, the one time I called 911, the first person at the scene was a fe…

3 people and a sadist are on an Island. The sadist tells everyone to find a fruit and return back at sunset. The first person brings back cherries, the sadist says ""If you want to live, stick it up your butt. If you make a noise, I will kill you, if you don't, you will live"". The first person does but he fails to keep quiet. He dies. The second person brings back an apple, and the same thing happens to him, but he makes a noise before it goes in. The third person comes back to find the other t…

Today I found out what it was like to play a FPS First person shoveler. gg blizzard.

Gandhi and two other people go to Heaven... Mahatma Gandhi and two other people die and go to heaven. However, they're really far from the gates and must get there somehow. Someone comes up to them and says, ""I can get you a car to reach the gates. The car'll depend on how many kids you had when you were alive."" The first person says he had 2 children. The person replies, ""Well, that's not too many."" And whips up a sports car for him to drive to the Gates. The second person says that he had …

A bus full of ugly people get in an accident They all died and went to heaven. God felt bad for all of these people and decided to give them all one wish. They all stood in line and the first person thought for a moment. Then the first person decided, I've spent my whole life ugly I wish to be beautiful. So god snaps his fingers and made him beautiful. The second person thought that was a great idea decided she too wanted to be beautiful. God snaps his fingers and made her beautiful. The next 3 …

Bad days One day god was talking to st peter. ""We do not have enough souls in heaven. So from here on out if anyone was having a bad day before they died let them in"". St peter nodded before returning back to the gates. He sees the first person and asks about their day. It was horrible, I come home and i know my wife was cheating. I ran outside and saw the bastard hanging from the balcony rail. So i kick his fingers and watched him fall. He lived so picked up the fridge and threw it at him. In…

Someone told me the first person you look at after something funny happens is the person you like the most... Good thing I always keep a mirror with me

{interactive joke} Tell me a letter, and number and a colour, and I will predict your future for you with 98.54% accuracy guaranteed. I have studied the kabbalah and ancient mystism for 20 yrs and now I want to share my secrets of prophecy and devine intervention. So first person who replys with the 3 items will get to know their future. Anyone interested?

George Washington and two other people go to Heaven... Mahatma Gandhi and two other people die and go to heaven. However, they're really far from the gates and must get there somehow. Someone comes up to them and says, ""I can get you a car to reach the gates. The car'll depend on how many kids you had when you were alive."" The first person says he had 2 children. The person replies, ""Well, that's not too many."" And whips up a sports car for him to drive to the Gates. The second person says t…

Michelle Obama was not the first person to think of the ""Turnip for what"" She was the First Lady

Be careful what you think After much thought, Rene Descartes had his eureka moment where he stated ""I think, therefore I am"". Feeling absolute euphoria over this revelation, he wanted to share it with someone. Finding no one in the street, he went into a bar and said to the first person he saw ""I think, therefore I am"". Not understanding, the man said, that's great, but would you like to date my sister? Looking at the man's sister, Descartes said with some disdain ""I think Not"", and immedi…

Reddit army tell me all the jesus jokes you know! here is mine: St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. ""Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"" ""Sure,"" replied Jesus. ""What do I have to do?"" ""Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."" ""Sounds easy enough. OK."" So Jesus mann…

Went to the doctors the other day.. Went to the doctors the other day. Get into the surgery when his phone rings. Doc said ""I gotta go. Look after the surgery for me while I'm gone. Don't worry, there's only 3 more patients, it won't take long. I'll be back in 15 minutes."" And off he goes. When he comes back, he asks ""How did it go?"" ""First person came in - headache. I said 'Take paracetamol.'"" ""Well done."" Said the Doc. ""Second person came in - Indigestion. I said 'Take gaviscon.'"" ""…

Two adults were having a conversation. The first one says: ""Hey Sam."" Sam replies, ""I just got fired from my job, and I make so little money from begging."" ""Thats terrible!"" Sam then said ""hahsjhsnksalwjjs"" The first person then said ""That doesn't even make any sense! Sam replied ""I guess I'd rather make dollars then cents(read it out loud)"" Heard this from a friend, thought it was great! Second joke on here so make sugestions!

There are two lunatics in a mental asylum... So, there's two lunatics in a lunatic asylum and they're both due to have assessments to be released. They decide to make a pact that the first person who goes in to see the doctor will tell the other one the answers to the questions. So the first one goes in to see the doctor and the doctor says: ""if I took this fork and stuck it in your eye, what would happen?"" The patient says, ""I'd be partially blind"" ""Good,"" says the doctor, ""what would ha…

There was a support group for ugly people. and each month when they would meet, there would be a small bus to pick them all up and take them to the meeting. Well one stormy night after picking everyone up the bus driver lost control of the bus on a bridge and it plummeted into the water and all of those hideous ugly people drowned. So they go to heaven and St. Peter is there and he says ""Wow, you guys had it rough! I mean look at you!"" and then he says ""You know what? I am going to give each …

Walmart needs a new worker in an important position... So they're looking for the smartest person they can find. After months of elimination, they've come up with 4 people. So, they decide that they will ask a question and the person who comes up with the best answer will get the job. They call up the first person and ask him: ""What is the fastest thing in the world?"" After a few minutes of thought, the man says, ""The fastest thing in the world is a blink. Without doing anything, you just bli…

CBostonC CMarathonC Don't look at me like I'm the first person to add C4 to the Boston Marathon.

Detective Interviewing for a Future Disciple Before you read: When I say ""profile picture"" I mean a picture of someone facing the left or the right rather than directly at the camera. A Detective needs someone to work under him, so he decided to do tryouts and it came down to 3 people. The Detective interviewed each of the future disciples one by one in his office. The first person comes in and the Detective gets right to the point: Detective:*points finger at a profile picture of an escaped c…

So this entrepreneur is setting up a bungee jumping tower in Mexico. And of course all the construction and publicity has garnered a crowd. Well the entrepreneur, seeing an opportunity to wow the crowd, volunteers to be the first person to jump. So he is strapped in and over the edge he goes, and the crowd goes wild. But when his crew goes to retrieve him after his jump, he is all beaten and bloodied. They ask if he hit the ground or something. He says ""Well... we should probably shorten the ro…

Make me laugh, and I'll gift you one game on Steam, your choice! The only rules: -Nothing ridiculously expensive (I'm not made of money) -You have to make me laugh. I'm not talking a smirk or quick exhale through my nose, I'm talking full on laughter. -Comments section only, no PMs -I don't care what kind of joke it is, I am not easily offended. -It goes to the first person to make me laugh, NO EXCEPTIONS. -For one liners, I'd prefer putting the punchline in the same comment, just hidden by a sp…

Murder There were three european men going to America. they didn't know english so they each went to a place. the first person went to a football game and learned yes. the second person went to a resturant and learned forks and knives. the third man went to a candy shop and heard a little kid yell he stole my lollipop! they all found a dead body when a police officer came up and said did you kill this man? the first man said yes. the cop asked what did you do it with? the second man said forks a…

local parish The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, ""Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job."" He says, ""You have sinned."" Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, ""Oh, about five dollar…

I was in a pub quiz the other day and my team, along with another, tied for first place. For the tie-breaker' we were asked one question, and the first person to shout the correct answer won it for their team. The question was as follows. In Paradise Lost, by John Milton, what was the ... Read more...

I'm going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.