First Person Jokes

Thinking about the first person ever to get drunk. People must have been like, ""COME QUICK! JEREMIAH HAS BEEN STRICKEN WITH AWESOME!""

If I were a bird, you'd be the first person I'd shit on.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I not American, I Vietnamese…

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, ""The object is red and grows on trees."" A kid raised his hand and said ""an apple"" the teacher said correct. Then she said, ""The object is flat and comes in different colors"" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct. Then Johnny said, ""ooh! ooh!…

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am Mexican."" The man goes on and encounter s another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"" The person says, ""I not American, I Vietnamese."" The …

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UF…

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!

eer booze and fun!' 'A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. ""But I paid don't you remember?"" says the customer. ""Okay"" says the bartender ""If you said you paid you did."" The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies ""If you say you paid I'l…

A meeting at the Pearly Gates St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first p…

A mortician was working late one night... A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.” And with…

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Jones had the longest private part he had ever seen. "I'm sorry Mr. Jones," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools …

St Peter is at the Pearly Gates ...Doing his daily duties, welcoming those who've recently passed on from a life on Earth into Heaven, when he realizes he has to go to the bathroom. He sees Jesus walking by and he asks if he could take his post, and guard the Gates for five minutes. "Certainly!," says Jesus. "Just tell me what I need to do!" "Well, when people arrive, ask them about their background, and what was important to them on Earth. Once you've heard their response, you will decide wh…

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make …

One day jesus was manning the gates for St Peter... One day Jesus was manning the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward so…

3 men are ship-wrecked on an island Where they are captured by cannibals. The cannibal leader says he'll let them live if they go out in the forest and grab 10 of the same fruit. They all run off, when after a while the first person comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal leader then says, "You must shove them up your ass without any facial expression, and then you will live." The man tries but he winces after the third apple and was killed on the spot. The second person comes back with 10 ch…

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my conf…

So, Bob shot a duck and it fell into Tom's property... ...Bob quickly hopped over the fence and went into Tom's backyard to get his meal, but Tom walks outside and finds Bob trespassing. "Hey, Bob! That duck is in MY property, and it is MINE." "No way, Tom! I shot this duck fair and square. I shot it, so I eat it!" "How about this," said Tom. "We both kick each other in the balls, back and forth, back and forth, and the first person to fall on the floor, loses, and has to give up…

A busload of people die and go to heaven. Not just any busload, because this particular group was an "ugly person support group", on their way to Disneyland. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks at them all lined up and sighs, saying "since you all had such a rough life, due to being hideous, and you died so tragically, I'll grant each of you one wish". The first person in line wastes no time in saying "I want to be gorgeous!" and plans the details of her looks. The line suddenly becomes abuz…

Little Johnny is back In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early". Little Johnny threw his bag outside. Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???" Johnny answered: "It's mine.... bye bye!"

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was lau…

Nate the Snake joke Warning, unhealthily long Tim was an adventurous man, and he had quite a bit of money. One afternoon during work, Tim decided that he wanted to go driving on the dunes in egypt. So that weekend, he booked tickets to Cairo and took a few extra days off work. When he arrived in Cairo he took a bus to a smaller village with less people and laxer laws and rented a car to drive on the dunes. He went out the first time at night around 11:30 because his flight came in late. Tim h…

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman.. A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman are each sentenced to a year in solitary confinement; before being locked away, each is to be granted a year's supply of whatever he wants to help him get through the long, long spell alone. The Scotsman asks for a year's supply of whisky; it's given to him and he's locked away. The Irishman asks for a year's supply of Guinness so he's locked up with several thousand bottles of it. The Englishman asks for …

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people. Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist. The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist. The third person scoffs, "Why must you two argue? It's just a glass with liquid in it." This person is a realist. While the three of them bic…

I asked my wife if I was the first person she'd slept with. She said 'I don't know, were you in Manchester in 1979?'