First Person Jokes

I have an uncle in Texas He's a wealthy guy, made it big in oil. He recently decided to build a new pool for his house. Of course, being a Texan it couldn't be just any pool. He decided to build the biggest pool of anyone he knew. I don't know exactly how big it was, but it had to be at least a couple hundred yards long. The things, my uncle's also got a bit of an eccentric streak to him. I don't know if it was the money, or Texas, or just something about him, but the end result was that he deci…

84% of Schools Scored Below Average on SATs First person who gets this joke will be upvoted.

Two men take a test to see if they can apply to the same job. Afterwards, the boss walks to the second person. ""We know you cheated off of [the first person]"" ""How so?"" ""On number 6, he said 'I don't know,' and you said 'I don't know either.'""

WALKS INTO A BAR... FREE DRINKS A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8. ""But I already paid you. Don't you remember?"" says the customer. ""OK,"" says the bartender, ""if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."" The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stun…

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, ""I want to be gorgeous."" God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he l…

Nate the snake There's this civil engineer who has a dream of a super-interstate-highway running from Los Angeles to Washington DC. After years of lobbying, he finally is awarded a contract to construct a perfectly-flat, perfectly-straight 16-lanes-each-direction highway from Los Angeles to Washington. So he employs all the best surveyors, to make sure the highway is a perfect straight-line from LA to DC and to make sure it stays perfectly flat. He subcontracts with only the best construction cr…

The Idiot of the Year Every year, all of the biggest idiots of the world gather together to pick the Idiot of the Year. All of the most idiotic minds of the world pack into an auditorium, and watch the stage. Slowly the curtain rises on the stage, and the first person to identify the object is crowned ""Idiot of the Year"". Back in 2014, the idiots convened in Paris. The auditorium was filled, the lights were dimmed, and the audience trembled with excitement. The curtain started to rise, slowly …

[Long] A bear walks into a bar... He approaches the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender refuses, and says ""We don't serve bears here."" So the bear trudges off and mopes for a little while. Eventually, he resolves to demand service. He stomps back into the bad and roars for the bartender to give him a drink, or he will eat somebody. ""I'm sorry, but we don't serve bears,"" came the bartenders reply. Immediately, the bear went into a rage, turned from the bar, and barreled toward the f…

The first person on the moon During the early 1930's one single individual set his foot on the moon for the first time in history of mankind, just minutes later the second person to ever set his foot on the moon shortly followed. He loudly exclaimed: im the first person to ever set a foot on the moon! Much to the dismay of the actual first person who set his foot on the.moon, who replied with: No, asture naut!

My friend Jane (Best done in first person) So, I have this friend Jane. Now, Jane is a nice gal. She's a mortician in town and a virgin. I've been setting her up for the past 3 years but she won't seem to close the deal with any of them, even with the more *amazing* men I've set her up with. Now, last week Jane calls me up and says ""hey, can you come to the doctor with me? I need to get some results for some testing I had done"" I, being the friend that I am, oblige without question. When the d…

Pigeon *Racist Joke* A mayor of a city was having an extremely bad pigeon problem. They were just everywhere crapping on everything. So one day he gets fed up and decides to post an ad online offering $50k to the first person that can solve his pigeon problems. Almost immediately a gentlemen posts saying that he can solve the pigeon problem for $50k but warns the mayor saying that if he asks any questions it will be an extra $10k per question. The mayor readily aggress to the deal and asks the g…

Three explorers are captured by a local tribe. And the elder tells them we are going to kill you, skin you, and make canoes from your skin. But first we are going to give you a chance. Each of you may request one item from your supplies and we will give you a 1 hour head start before sending out our hunting party. The first person asks for his gun. After an hour the hunting party sets out and 3 hours later some shots are heard, but by the end of the day, the first man is hauled back into the tow…

A man is trying to Join ISIS. A man is trying to join ISIS. After finding his way to the recruiter, he is asked a few questions. recruiter: ""What do you believe?"" man: ""Whatever you believe"" ""We will need to work on that. What do you know how to do?"" ""I can make instant noodles and play First Person Shooters well"" ""Ok. Would you prefer to commit suicide to kill hundreds of people, or get shot to save somebody important?"" ""I would like to live, if it is all the same to you?"" ""Of cour…

Chinese Easter Around Easter, Catholic Church in China Town has just lost their caretaker. So the members of the church try to find someone who has both Chinese and Catholic roots. So they bring in three people to interview. They ask the first person, ""What is the significance of Easter?"" They answer *Chinese accent*, ""Eessa time... uhh... essa time when Christ turn water into wine."" The interviewers say, ""No, that is not what happened."" The bring in the second guy and ask him the same que…

What happenes if the first person on moon was a woman? Girl: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: what is it? Girl: it's nothing. Houston: tell us what is it. Girl: it's just... Nothing, just forget it Houston. Just tell us what it is Girl: i've told you forget it, it's nothing

An old blind couple is told that they are both eligible for sight restoration surgery. Naturally they are excited about regaining the sense that they have been deprived of for decades. The two will undergo the surgery at the same time so that the first person they see will be each other. They are sitting in the waiting room full of joy and anticipating the moment when they will lock eyes for the first time. The surgeries are successful and they are told to keep their bandages on for a week to al…

Read on r/todayilearned that Saint Ambrose was the first person to practice silent reading... ...which is crazy, because typically, Catholics never shut up about their favorite book.

Surf's up? A Californian surfer visiting Australia was having a good time catching the breakers at resorts along the Gold Coast, but wanted a special experience. He wanted to surf a beach where nobody, or almost nobody, goes. So he gets in the car, drives north. At the first remote beach he hits, he has his board in hand as he's walking toward the water, when one of the locals warns him: ""you don't want to be surfing here, mate: there's too many sharks"". So he heeds the warning, and drives to …

A plane full of soccer (football) players crashes in a desert. There are 5 survivors. Hunger gets to them and time is running out. Ultimately they all agree to eat the first person to die and give the body parts of the deceased's body to the player in the team with a similar name to the body part. After three days a player from Celtic dies due to an inflammatory bowel. The 1st player is from Manchester & claims his chest & torso as agreed, the 2nd is from Liverpool & takes his Liver …

The Wizard of Oz, synopsis. Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

Stuck on an island... **Not my joke, but we had so much fun with this one.** One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. the cannibals said, ""if you do what we say, we wont kill you"". so the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals. So the cannibals said, ""go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see"". So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. the cannibals said, ""put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression"". The pe…

A man and his motorcycle A man has been saving up money for months to buy a motorcycle. He goes to a vintage bike store near his house. Regretfully, the storeowner tells him that none of his inventory falls within our hero's price range. Just as the man, sullen and defeated, turns to leave, the storeowner remembers something. ""Wait. I do have one bike I can sell you. The only catch is there are some exposed wires. It runs fine. Just make sure you rub some vaseline on the wires when it rains."" …

Three people walk into a bar. First person: I want the largest glass of beer you have. Second person: You want the largest glass of beer we have? Third person: He wants the largest glass of beer you have.

one big peice of fish and one small peice of fish. There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table, there is a dish with one big peice of fish and one small peice of fish. They politely say to one another: ""You maychoose first."" ""No, you may choose first."" And this goes on for a while. Then the first person says: "" OK, I'll take first."" And he takes the big price of fish. The second person: ""Why did you take the big Peice? That's not polite!"" The first person says: ""Whi…

Three loonies There were three loonies in an asylum. Their doctor said that they can go after looking after an animal each, they need to find out more about the animal. The first person gets a dog, the second gets a cat and the third gets two spiders in a matchbox. A week passes. The first person comes back and tells the doctor about the dog, the loony says ""it's great company, likes to eat meat and barks a lot."" He was then released. The second person comes back with the cat and says ""it lik…