Doctor Jokes

I'm starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist's office.

I visited you every day in hospital when you were in a coma. They gave me free wifi & coffee, It was the best 2 months of our married life

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV ROMAN: What?! DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time? ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Therapist: What's the problem? Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me [petting a bee]: You're not strange are you Alan

It's 6 am and I've already referred to a patient as "the one with the tig ol biddies"...wonder what time HR gets here

Just found out men don't need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV! Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

Me: I HAD A VISION! I was a GARDEN GNOME & I was ridding a FLAMINGO & the FAIRIES sprinkled cocaine on me & I FLIED!! My Therapist: .....

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!... But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

[at dentist] so your X-rays look grea- *phone rings* hold on *on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok so as I was saying you have several cavities

[ER: Goth Unit] Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

[hospital] DOCTOR: you're ok ME: so it was just a dream DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

*doctor moonwalks into office* "Your test results are back Mr Johnson. You tested positive for BEING FABULOUS!!" *Mr Johnson does the robot*

[Hospital front desk] "Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-" *wife hits me* "Baby delivery, I mean she's here to deliver a baby"

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what NURSE: Sir it's a blood draw please stop saying that

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

[At Vision Center] Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: I'd like to be able to see all of them. That's why I'm here.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month? Me: The package said "Take on an empty stomach" so, not yet.

Doctor: Ted, you're dying, Patient: My name's not Ted. Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

"I don't understand the value in seeing a therapist." - People who haven't spent time with me yet.