Doctor Jokes

[plane] "Is there a doctor on board?" Im a doctor "Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att- Of fine arts "What?" Doctor of Fine Arts

Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party! Patient: But my birthday's not till next month Doc:Which brings me to the bad news

When someone asks me if I'm seeing anyone, I automatically assume they're talking about a psychiatrist.

wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him" doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs" me: "where will i keep my car keys"

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.

My doctor won't go away. I know what you're thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

Sitting with Grandma at the hospital. She noticed me checking my watch and said, "Go on Dummy. I know brunch is almost over at the tit bar."

A funny thing I like to do is yell 'God, not your WHOLE hand' when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

*delivers baby* *delivers baby* *delivers baby* *delivers baby* *delivers baby* Nurse 1: I'm exhausted. Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist. Which is too bad. Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

while memes are a great gateway to wasting your life away online,, they're not for everyone . ask your doctor if memes are right for you

Pressing A too fast and having to talk to the Pokemon Center's nurse again was by far the worst part of my childhood.

Dentist: ok open up "Well I guess it all started when my dad left..." Dentist: no I mean- Assistant: wait bill...let him finish

MY AUNT: All we can do now is pray DOCTOR: Oh nice so I should put down this cardio thoracic surgical instrument? We're good here?

*tries for a year to brush and floss better* *goes to dentist* Dentist: Do you even own a toothbrush?

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me. DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say "I haven't decided yet" while sobbing uncontrollably

My therapist told me "time heals all wounds", So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

"IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR?!?" I screamed on the plane. 3 men shot up. "Ok, now are any of you single? I need a sugar daddy. I do butt stuff."

[hospital] "We found the problem. There's an entire sheep in your stomach." "Is that bahahaad?" "Yes. It's causing some internal bleating."

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Dear diary, Sometimes it just seems like I can't tell if something is an inanimate object or a person My therapist: Yes that's quite clear

I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, "It's not your fault."

tired of people always telling me go to hospital and that i've lost a lot of blood, its my severe head injury not yours stay out of it