Doctor Jokes

If my doctor ever tells me I have three months to live, I'll probably pick December, January and July.

A baby was born laughing really hard with it's fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it's tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

I wonder what it would be like if we made Dr. House an annoying woman.. Whats that, Nurse Jackie you say?

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. "Good Lord!" he says. "His burrito levels are off the charts!" - from my autopsy

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash] I'm afraid we had to amputate both of your feet. "OMG why?" You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn't the best way to respond to my therapist.

my hipster wife is on her way to the hospital with severe burns in her mouth because she tried to to eat my lasagna before it was cool

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex's car.

My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It's like he doesn't realize I'm married.

Me: I'll have a Dr.Pepper. Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok? Me: Is he a doctor?

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop...now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit. Wife to therapist: Do you see what I'm dealing with here?

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse? Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

My dentist said I have a very wet mouth. *Updates dating profile.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.

If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it's isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin! DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I'll take this one

Heading to the dentist. I hope they've all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

6th grade nurse: do you play baseball Me: uhh why Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than- Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He's too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

[Toothpaste Laboratory] Dentist 1: Yes Dentist 2: Yes Dentist 3: Yes Dentist 4: Yes Dentist 5: Not so fast...

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick Me: not if I'm banking on them eating my body