Doctor Jokes

Therapist: Do you have any regrets? Me: Well, this one time Therapist [pinches bridge of nose] Other than buying fat-free salad dressing.

"Must you lick the knife?" "Sorry,force of habit" I said "Loads of people do it though, don't they?" "Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor"

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients are trying to rest, could you please turn down your television.

Lady next to me in the hospital waiting room told me she has diarrhea. I must have one of those "tell me if you have diarrhea" faces.

My urologist is weird. I peed in a cup. He drank it and said, "You're fine." Then he paid me. Don't choose a doctor from Craigslist.

Me: Ooh, I'd love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment. Her: On a Saturday night? Me: I've got really bad teeth.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don't even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

DOCTOR: "I'm calling to notify you of your outstanding balance." ME: "Thanks! I do yoga." DOCTOR:........

DR DOG: The test results came back. PATIENT: Oh God DR DOG: The tumor is-- *sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny.

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

My doctor is so young that, when I need them, he just comes in the room shouting, "Shots! Shots! Shots!"

[10 mins into couples therapy] Therapist: I cannot help you two. Me: Let's go, Betsy! See! She doesn't listen! T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

Most Well-known Speeches: 1. Gettysburg Address - Abe Lincoln 2. I Have a Dream - Martin Luther King 3. You Need to Floss - Every Dentist

Me: They were gone. All of them. Just gone. I've never felt so alone. Therapist: So, after the donuts were gone, then what did you do?

My therapist says that to be happy in marriage, never go to sleep mad at each other. Been mad at my wife 2 months straight cause of insomnia

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn't mean bottle.

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression? Me: no they both liked it

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don't floss

Psychiatrist cannibal by day, pop star singing sensation by night Hannibal Montanibal

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions? "Can I shower with this cast?" DOCTOR: What do you think, guys? PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn't lose him Therapist: Not a bad thing Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

My doctor said I shouldn't hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.