Doctor Jokes

The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have no switched to mint Oreos.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem? Me: I need to be docted Doctor: you came to the right place. I'm a doctor. I doct people

[Hospital] Doctor:"...and so the baby is fine." Me:"And my wife?" Doc:"I'm afraid she's critical" Me:"I know! But how is she?"

*wakes up in hospital* What happened? "It was a heart attack" Will I be ok? *a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat* "No"

DOCTOR: I have bad news MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don't mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

[talking to my guide dog] this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again [from a nearby speaker] "FIFTEEN-LOVE"

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat! Cat nurse, excitedly: I've got this.

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis? D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it's a hunch

I changed my ID to say "Organ Bonor" rather than "Organ Donor". It's spelled wrong, but I hope it still makes the doctor laugh.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.

[comes out of coma after 12 years] ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to 'Away'! DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Lil Wayne is like if a doctor's handwriting came to life.

Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me. DR DOG: What's your job? PATIENT: Mailman DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist* "Dad are you coming too?" Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

I get to my doctor appointments 45 minutes late so I can get there on time.

Dentist switches lamp on: "Now open wide" Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb* Dentist: "This has to stop Denise"

Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now Son: Dad it's me Dad: *head turned 180* who Son: very funny Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died

The doctor told my wife her cervix is still really hard last night. How would the doctor know that without sticking her whole hand......omg

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist..... but if you do, get the dental work first.

My doctor said my cervix is perfect. I'm still blushing.