Doctor Jokes

According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.

[emergency room] DOCTOR: Point to what's causing you the most pain ME: I can't, they're at home playing xbox

Doctor: you're never too old to start exercising Me: cool thanks i'll start in maybe like 15 years then

There'd be no reason to see a doctor if WebMD gave out prescriptions.

My doctor told me that I have ADHD but when I got home and checked, I still only have basic cable. Lying bastard!

Doctor: You have bronchitis Me: OMG I've always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

[Couples Therapy] HER: He keeps pretending he's a doctor. This relationship is dead HIM: I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:26 ME: OMG SEE!

Doctor: it's important to incorporate purple foods into your diet. Me: *eats purple cupcakes*

[Emergency Room] MRS. PINATA: Will my husband make it, doc? DOCTOR *slurping on sucker*: We'll do what we can but he's lost a lot of candy

If I drank as little alcohol as I tell my doctor I'd weigh as little as I tell the people at the DMV when I renew my driver's license.

I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

*wakes up from surgery How did it go? Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts... Me: OK D:...so that I can start the operation. M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

"doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

Next time you see your therapist, see how deep into the session you can go by only saying lyrics from Creed songs.

[Dentist's] Me: *lying back with mouth full of cotton wool* Dentist: So what do you do? Equipment trolley 3ft away: I'm a ventriloquist

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I'm the town doctor.

For a week I've been telling my kid "If your cough isn't better tomorrow, you're going to the doctor!" and it finally worked. (She died.)

"Where does it hurt?" the doctor asked. "Right Ear" replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

Remember when Twitter used to be a service where I could post something like, "Hello, my name is Doctor Toilet" and get a bunch of retweets?

Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you. Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon? [from my stomach] I'm right here

I have a cut on my leg Doc "Yeah that legs gotta go sir" But its a tiny cut "Sorry, I cant save it" *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Got an MRI. Nurse asked if I had bad kidneys. Told her I won "best kidneys" in my high school yearbook. She didnt laugh. We didnt talk again

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.