Doctor Jokes

Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I'm skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

Doctor: I'm sorry son, it appears you have... Jenga-itis Me: [trying to pull the doctor's shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should've just left it in its hole in the garden.

Bad news: you're unable to get pregnant. Oh no! Is it my uterus, doctor? No, your eHarmony profile says you've seen Star Wars 13 times.

Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I'm now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is- MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG? DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

Jobs I'd be shit at: -brain surgeon -rocket scientist -ventriloquist -goat herder -sober person thingy

SURGEON: *cutting open patient's torso* NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement! SURGEON: there's a Pokemon in there

My doctor said i shouldn't just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can't drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves Yoga instructor: True Nutritionist: So wise Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

"There are hot Shingles in your area" - My Doctor

THERAPIST: how do you feel ME: with my hands THERAPIST: no, like on the inside ME: ohhh...idk probably kinda squishy and weird

"Doctor, how bad is it?" "I mean, you're just not a great singer. I don't know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is."

In my doctor's waiting room, I explained to a WWII veteran what a Twitter follower count is. I think he regrets winning the war now.

THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he objectifies women ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

[at dentist office] Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn't supposed to undress first

Just received a full body scan. Airport lady says I should probably see a doctor but is frustratingly unspecific.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they'll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

[signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"

Ask your doctor why there are claw marks on the wall. Ask your doctor to stop growling. Ask your doctor to stop climbing and smelling you.

House doctor and my family are looking at me like I'm retarded. Note To Self: Cats land on their feet...not babies.

*stands near cute dude in store* ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Doctor: "Just lie back and relax, I'll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment." *Turns on laser* *Patient's face is attacked by cats*

Is it gay if a male doctor feels your balls while looking you deep in your eyes and isn't really a doctor but is just some guy at Target?