Doctor Jokes

I love going to the dentist. He fills all my cavities. Then checks my teeth.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he's talking about my wallet.

if you can't handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

*worm surgeon beside worm in hospital bed." Doc:" Surgery went good but the floor was slippery and long story short you have a son now."

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor Airport security:...

Fine. I'll rush you to the hospital, but then we're doing what I want.

Doctor: We need to double your meds Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster? Doctor: We need to triple your meds

Never buy a used dream catcher from the flea market near a mental hospital.

Judging by my handwriting possible future career choices include doctor or kindergartner.

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?!? Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

"I don't want no scrubs" a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone? DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion ME: Folks from space-time? DW: God no 21st century UK

4 out of 5 Dentist agree that your low-cut blouse shows off your nice rack! The fifth Dentist wants to know where you got that blouse.

PATIENT: Doc, I haven't been able to bone my wife lately and I really think- DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

Talk to your doctor about Chillaxin (Side-effects include incontinence, hallucinations, drooling, naps, shy dooky & death)

[getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

I'm incredibly flattered that my therapist thinks I should be in anger management. I've never even held an entry-level position.

what if your dentist is the one idiot who disagrees with the all the other dentists? how would you know?

Cat: I think i have a rash. Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

Doctor: "I need to draw some blood." Me: "Okay." Doctor: "Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?"

ME: ppl call dogs "doggo" now. i guess its a meme, i dont get it THERAPIST: this is $200/hr. do you want to talk about anything else? ME: no

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

The makers of Dr Pepper are changing their recipe, using less expensive ingredients. The new soda will be called, Nurse Practicioner Pepper.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn't hand out drugs.

[Obamacare Meeting] *Biden raises hand* *Obama sighs* Yes Joe? Will the doctor still have lollipops? Sure. *Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*