Doctor Jokes

My doctor wasn't amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said One hundred and fat

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

That awkward moment when I tried starting a slow clap in the hospital after my uncle died.

Trick people into thinking you're a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

"haha one time we turned a cpr training dummy into a bong" yes doctor but how is our son *leans in close* "you had to light its weiner"

Receptionist: "That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose." Plastic Surgeon: "Good! That'll save me some time. Send her right in."

If I found out I only had a week to live, and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital because that sounds serious

Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries. Me: *goes home* *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box* *eats 12 donuts*

[doctor gets job as 911 operator] "What's your emergency?" MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE "Hmm ok let's wait a few weeks and see how it is then"

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam] DOCTOR: So you're in the military? HER: Yes DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others? Me: Don't flip out, but I feel like you're asking me that to make yourself look smart.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never

*doctor lifts sheet so wife can identify the body* why is he smiling? "the last thing he heard was that his blood pressure was 69 over 69"

[at TED talk] OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor? *entire crowd stands* No a MEDICAL doctor *entire crowd sits*

[coming out of coma] Doc: You survived the heart attack Me: I'm going to eat right & get fit D: *shows me hospital bill* M: *pulls plug*

If the inventor of the iPhone battery ever ends up on life support in a hospital, I hope the back up power source is an iPhone battery.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

ME: *pulling up my pants* What's the prognosis, Doc? DOCTOR: You've got cancer. ME: WHAT?! DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I'm not a doctor.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them. Let's all be thankful I'm not a surgeon.

[doctor walks in] there's no easy way to say this. you have [looks at clipboard] cat...cat erects? cat or racks? Sorry. I'm new.

Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

Dentist: open Me: *opens* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: that's it, now come in and take a seat

Doctor: How's your headache? Patient: She's out of town.

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken ME: So what happens now? D: We put in a cast & it'll recover naturally HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this? *takes you out several times then acts distant*