Doctor Jokes

It's impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.

Wife: how was the doctor? Me: bad I'm dying Wife: I know, how was the doctor?

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn't looking, I did.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?

"You're never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I've got a protein deficiency." "No whey!"

Doctor: The tests came back. They don't look good. The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don't even have shoulders Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage therapist: how do you respond to that kyle? me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear... Therapist: Is this true? Me: She's right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

There's no problem you can't solve with a great night of dancing. Except for a broken foot. Then you should see a doctor.

Technically everyone who's not a doctor is premed

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents] ME: this zoo is terrible

I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.

DOCTOR: Don't be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam. ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break! Age 25: Exercise reduces stress! Age 35: My doctor says I'll die immediately if I don't do this

[pet therapy] THERAPIST: ok slow ME: *pets 2 dogs* T: just 1 M: *pets 3 dogs* T: Nurse, restrain him, he's M: *pets 4 dogs* T: roverdosing

*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

Psychiatrist "Tell me about your trust issues." Me "No"

The doctor says I'm depressed because I don't have enough iron in my diet so I've started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name's Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Doctor: Describe your headache. Me: She's about 5'8", blonde, and the mother of my children.