Doctor Jokes

[At Doctor] Me:I'm having chest pain Doc:Did you buy a new bra? Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing! Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain Me:Oh

*Lying in hospital Doctor)Your back is broken in 6 places. You may never walk again Me)At least I got all the groceries in one trip

Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Therapist: How's your narcissism? Much better I thin...*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!"

DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting. ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news.

"WHAT THE HELL? WHERE'S THE OTHER, SMALLER VERSION OF THIS PERSON?"--Russian surgeon's 1st time cutting a patient open

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job? ME: I once worked at a zoo T: Great! & what did you take from that? ME: Definitely not a penguin T: What M: What

When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!

I told my therapist what you said and she's gonna call your therapist and you're in big trouble

Doctor: You can only have clear liquids after midnight Me: Sure no problem Doctor: Not white wine Me:

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he's a great dentist so I let it go.

"IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???" [i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

[mailman delivering package to hospital] DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered MAILMAN: please stop saying that

I like that the doctor always asks if I'm a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit. No shit? Thanks. Here's all my money.

(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see? Patient: A house and Me: Wrong it's Batman. Ok this one? Patient: I se Me: Nope. Batman again.

[vet office] Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up. *doctor walks out* "Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we- I'll take my cat elsewhere

WIFE: We'd have less arguments if he wasn't so pedantic THERAPIST [to me] Is that right? ME: No. It should be fewer arguments

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs] Prince: "There there, cry it out" [starts recording] Um, you are a therapist, right? "Sure"

I'm not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

DOCTOR: "Ok, now PUSH!" WOMAN IN LABOUR: "Should I be doing this in my state?" DR: [leaning out of car window] "Less talky, more pushy."

I probably would have been a pretty good doctor, until I found out that I still get paid if the people die. Then I'd just be like, whatever

My doctor had a plate of McDonalds food that was a year old to show people that it never rots. The burger was dry but the fries were decent.

Dr "Do you want the good news or the bad news?" Patient "Good" Dr "You have 6 months to live" P "What's the bad news!?" Dr "...in dog years"