I can't wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there's food at home when they ask for some..

[first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] "Dr that's the model skeleton"

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!

The doctor says I'm depressed because I don't have enough iron in my diet so I've started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.