Doctor Jokes

I dont 'scrub up' like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon

"Can someone call me a doctor?!" You're a doctor. "Please I'm losing my patience!" You're a terrible doctor.

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?! MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham. W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won't feel a thing."

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I'd have to stay away from carbs So I've been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don't remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Therapist: Problem? Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics. T: Explain? M: I can't tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

Mom 1: My son's gonna be a pro baseball player Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I'm high

The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.

THERAPIST: what's wrong? WIFE: he always narrates real life- ME: she complained WIFE: see! ME: she exclaimed WIFE: ME: she was speechless

Me: why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie Surgeon: wtf M: he was too far out man S: how are you still awake we heavily sedated you

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid. Therapist: And how many years has this been going on? *holds up 6 fingers* This many

I got my foot in the door, my head in the game, and my ass in gear. I'm one motivational tape away from a hospital admission.

Turns out if you fake a heart attack every Monday work sends you to HR and not the hospital.

This coffee is so strong it just raised 5 children on a nurse's salary.

If anyone needs me, I'll be at the hospital leaving robots and newspapers from the year 2310 in the rooms of coma patients.

"Nurse, I need 10 cc's of fluid, a scalpel and 100+ retweets about this kid from a celebrity on Twitter. STAT!" - 2013 doctor

DR DOG: We need to talk about your weight. PATIENT: I'm not fat. I'm just big boned. DR DOG: *drooling everywhere* Just how big exactly?

If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there's no reason for me to be on antidepressants.

Can't wait to sit in the doctor's office reception area so I can read how to fix meatloaf 3 ways & catch up on 1992.

"I V E M U R D E R E D S E V E N P E O P L E" would be a fun eye chart for a doctor to have

My therapist told me I lack focus. I told him I liked his new desk.