Doctor Jokes

That thin line between "I should tweet that" or "I should talk to my therapist about that"...

Champagne says I'm classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Doctor: "You have lost a lot of blood." Me: "That's not good." Doctor: "It's not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen."

I broke my arm when I was a kid, my Dad carried me ten miles to the hospital, he has cancer, so that's why my tattoo is hot nurse. -LA Ink.

ME: OMG I CAN'T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR HER: do you want dessert? ME: ok, but just a small slice.

DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it's healed completely, you'll need to wear this *places cone around patient's neck*

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

I know you're not supposed to question doctors, but it's weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

There's a doctor here to see you. Doctor who? No, I think it's a non time traveling one.

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids? Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

It doesn't matter how hard I try, I just don't seem to be going anywhere in life Hamster therapist: Sounds like you're in a vicious circle

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

"Ohhhh!! I didn't hear the 'lasting more than four hours' part. I'm sorry I called you at home, doctor."

[marriage counseling] Ginny- He always hides from our problems. Therapist- Is this true? Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Impatient means she's restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital... Learned that one the hard way.

My therapist picked a cool time to go on vacay I'm making decisions out here like a wild animal

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out :(

HER:He doesn't trust me. THERAPIST:How so? HER:He's always spying on me. ME (dressed as Therapist):Really? THERAPIST:WTF HER:WTF ME:WTF

NURSE: do you have any allergies ME: burnt bread NURSE: you're allergic to burnt bread? ME: yes I'm black toast intolerant

Optimism? Sure, it's worth a try. I don't see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Depressed cows feel like life is udderly hopeless. But now there's hope. Ask your doctor if Cowbucil is right for your cow.

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie "Seven" with me and Morgurt Freeman? Doctor: I think you mean Morgan Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you? DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn't easy

(Rushes to hospital) Dr: Your mother is extremely critical. Me: Don't overreact doctor, she's like that with everyone.