Doctor Jokes

[Doctor's Office] Dr: I'm not going to candy-coat this.... Me: *misses bad results of test because I'm imagining a coat made of Skittles*

When I was young, I wanted to date a doctor for money. How superficial was that? Now it would be for the prescriptions.

There's a thin line between "I should tweet about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that."

[infomercial] ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?! AUDIENCE: YES! *a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

I'm glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor's coat & holds it over patient* He has finished his scan. He says he doesn't like you & you have cancer.

[Doctor's Office] Seal: My flippers are sore. Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

Dentist: I'm going to take your tooth out Me: Ok then [later that evening] Dentist: Well this is nice My tooth: I'm having a lovely time

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations ME: oh LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

Drug commercial just listed "death" as a possible side affect. Seems totally legit. Ask your doctor if possible death is right for you..

My therapist says I need to overcome "shame-based" thinking but if it wasn't for shame I don't think I'd get a damn thing done around here.

I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode

Adopt 25 cats and you'll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though. -me as a therapist

Addiction therapist: You've tweeted 36k tweets in a year. Me: Yeah, so? Therapist: What are you paying me for? Me: Material. Therapist: ...

[Snow White sees her doctor] Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor? Doc: Damn it I told you I'm a mine worker not a doctor. It's my name, idiot

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow School Nurse: Here's an ice pack K2: *fever* SN: Ice pack K3: *diarrhea* SN: Ice pack K4: *decapitated* SN: Ice pack

if accidentally consumed consult a doctor immediately, phew good thing i did it on purpose

House is a good doctor. He's also got a good heart. He should let his friends see the real him. But he's scared.

According to the bloodwork I had done at my doctor's office, I'm 12 percent cake.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up? DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it W: i sold his pet hamster ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

"Damn girl are you a dam, girl? Cuz your water just broke haha" yes we will go to the hospital in a minute honey, jesus christ im tweeting

Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live *slides the doctor a five dollar bill* Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy *winks at loved ones*

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal. He asked me to pay in advance.