Doctor Jokes

If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?

[my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse [patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here [me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying

Nurse: It's just a little prick.. Me: That's what my gf said! N: Ha M: Haha N: HAHA M: HAHAHA! N: You don't have a gf, do you? M: No.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* "Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar."

A router goes into a doctor's office and says, "It hurts when IP."

"I kid you not" -Abortion doctor.

It is 2022. Everyone has bought a pair of beats by dre. Doctor dre chuckles, his mind control device is ready

Snuck a peak at my therapist's notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.

Nurse: "It says here you're lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?" Me: "No. I just really, really can't stand polos with crocodiles on them."

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]

My doctor says my emoji use is keeping me young.

*Dentist's waiting room* *Trying to make conversation with other patient* So... I guess you have teeth, too?

Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.

"Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you've had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling." - me as a doctor

wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client's mouth bleeding? Dentist: he doesn't floss Me: You hit me! D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don't floss

[drinks milk from carton] WHY AREN'T YOU USING A GLASS?!? "I went to the eye doctor" What does that mean? "He said I don't need glasses"

I got an STD from a hipster. My doctor said he's never heard of it.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

Nurse: Where does it hurt? Me: *Points to heart* Nurse: Awwww that is so cute! Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

[couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

"Keep that upside-down frown right where it is!" - Botox Patient Saying

Doctor: "You have a blockage in your small & large intestine" Barista: ... Barista: ... Doctor: *Sigh* "Ok, Tall & Venti intestine."