Doctor Jokes

[at ultrasound] Nurse: there it is. There's your baby Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

You've got to let me meet your dentist, black people.

[sitting in doctor's office] It's bad news. You have a rare case of contagious memory loss. "What do you mean?" I can't remember.

"Honey the baby is crowning!" *Lifts up hospital gown* "Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!"

"Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!" "DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!"

Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth? Me: Why would I do that? D: ok...[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly] Me: *winks at camera*

You, me, a bottle of wine, soft music, a picnic basket, a strange growl, a bear, a tree, coyotes, a rescue chopper, a hospital, dessert.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird's tail for quitting time- Why my cw hates me

therapist: "remember there are no stupid questions" wife: "okay" therapist: "keith you start" me: "do sharks ever need to have a bath?"

Doctor: i'd like you to step on the scale. Me: You first, pal.

Kids today will never know what it's like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

Dentist: have you been flossing? [ flashback to me picking steak out of my teeth with a potato chip earlier ] Me: yes

Moaning and gasping "Give it to me baby!" during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor. Anybody know one?

"Bob's here" Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he's a surgeon? "We only know one Bob and he's an accountant" *arm falls off*

What kind of quack doctor prescribes an odd number of pills for OCD?!

Me: How's it look? Doc: You have 2 months to live M: WHAT?? You're my dentist! D: Then you don't need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum* how do you feel? "with my hands" let's give it a minute

Why do doctor's offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it's going to be high then.

Dentist: How often do you floss? Dracula: Every day Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood. Dracula: Oh...I mean never. I never floss.

Doctor: are you an active marijuana user? Me: not really, I usually just sit on the couch and play video games

If it weren't for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: Hardly any D: That's excellent ME [swigs vodka] But I'm a terrible guesser

ME: What's this bit here? NURSE: ...his heart ME: Hm. NURSE: Your resume said you were a surgeon ME: My resume says a lot of things

Apparently the yellow power ranger died after being hit by a car. "It's MORPHINE time" joked one ER nurse, who was later fired.