Doctor Jokes

Therapist: So what's the problem? Wife: He thinks he's a flamingo. Me: That's it! I'm putting my foot down. *lowers foot that was raised*

Doctor doctor give me the news I've got a bad case of lov- oh what's that? It's AIDS? Well that just doesn't rhyme at all

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Women say they like a man in uniform but I've been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet :(

Remember how terrified Sarah Connor was when the Terminator came around the corner @ the hospital in T2? IMAGINE IF IT HAD BEEN STEVE HARVEY

Read a magazine at the doctor's office so I'm all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don't think Bush can beat him.

Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either.

"are you sure these x-rays are safe?" [doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you're fine

"Ask your doctor if you're naive enough for Placebo."

[to other patients in psychiatrist's waiting room] I'm not like you people. This is court mandated.

[at doctor] can u cough for me please? *coughs* again please *coughs* i see i see. i'm afraid you have a cough

DOCTOR: I'm afraid I've got bad news ME: *pulls an apple from pocket* DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

If I'm your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.

I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning "You mean Diabetes?" Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases ooh

THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uhfailure

[hospital] *crying* Jim it's your turn to change the baby *picks up baby* -Ok brb *comes back holding a black baby* -I think they're onto us

It's amazing how few people list "The Hospital" as their emergency contact.

I've learned a lot about women. Ex: if you're going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you'd better stop on the way

Batman: I told you, if it's mine you have to say bat before it.. Like bat-mobile, bat-arang.. Doctor: Fine, you have bat-herpes

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor) Me: Mmm, this tastes good. Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself The other one realizes that's what got you into this shit in the first place.

me: "why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?" therapist: "i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith"

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship? I lost him to addiction. Therapist: I'm so sorry. Drugs? Yes please.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds! Me: So that's like, what, three dollars?