Doctor Jokes

Coming soon to NBC: She's a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn't play by the rules. And he's a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match. Me: When can you operate? *lighting a candle* Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant. Me: A transplant? Dr: Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried. Me:

"Doctor, is the baby healthy?" "Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her." "Huh?" *Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

[hospital] SON: I came as soon as I heard. What happened? DAD: The oying hit me SON: What's an oying? DAD: You are, kiddo *dies*

"Dad, I don't feel good." "Do you want to go see the doctor?" "Yeah." "Are you gonna throw up?" "Maybe." "OK. We'll take your mom's car."

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed one fell off & bumped his head called the doctor & the doctor said U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

Friday night plans *break into plastic surgeon's office *put goldfish in the silicone implants *sneak away undetected *giggle like a maniac

If Donald Trump becomes President, The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: "Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss."

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it's her floss

DOCTOR: You've suffered a brain injury. It's affected your hippocampus ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

I'm going to hire a Priest, a Doctor and a Rabbi to walk into a bar together just to see WTF happens. Backup Plan: I'll also bring a horse.

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day. And something about listening.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I'm going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

It's pretty amazing that I'm able to balance my two kids, my career as a doctor, and my pathological lying!!

Doctor: "Hey, how are you?" Patient: "I am good" Doctor: "Ok. Next."

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Me: What's the point if it's not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE. Dentist: Please just floss more

People who like shitty lite pop-rock are lucky. They get to hear their favorite music in department stores and at the dentist.

My doctor told me if I was 5" taller I'd be at the ideal weight, so I'm going to try and give that a shot.

Me: "There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can't resist-" Doctor: "YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!"

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone [doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs? me: im trying to tell you