Doctor Jokes

"Be patient." - Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

We've got people working on world peace, and I'm here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient's chocolate without her noticing.

[Hospital] Me:How's my dad? Dr:I'm afraid he's in critical condition *shout from inside room "You've never lived to up to your potential!"

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Man goes to a Doctor. "Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts" "Does it burn?" "I don't know, I've never tried to set fire to it"

A frog goes to his doctor, the doctor says "I'm afraid you're going to croak very soon." the frog enjoys the joke and makes peace with death

[ER] ME: [scared] well? DOCTOR: ur ok M: so it was just a dream D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

"Doctor: Put the IV in. Nurse: The 4 what?" - chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor? Doctor: It's a mango. A perfectly ripe mango Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* "That's what she said"

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk

Whenever you floss, you should be allowed to go to your dentist's house and collect an allowance.

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we'll take them to my car

My dentist is going to be so proud of me! I've been brushing my teeth like ten times a day since I started using Betty Crocker toothpaste.

The doctor said to treat my daughter's scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

I smoked before going to the dentist & didn't know they would let me have laughing gas &watch Netflix Im cross faded af having the best time

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

If you drop your pants for a "surprise checkup" and hear your doctor's belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

It's like my pet hippo doesn't even realise it's my pet. DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn *later* Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

4yo doctor visit: Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I'd rather he play with mud. Me: .. Wife:.. Me: where do u download mud?

"I'm paying a woman to fist my mouth" is the way I choose to describe going to the dentist tomorrow.

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient. They will test you...