Doctor Jokes

When someone tells me they're a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: "wow your parents must've yelled at you to do your homework a lot"

doctor: "is there anything that runs in the family?" wife: "hm not really" me: "the dog jogs a lot"

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil. Worked a treat. Got me twenty years.

cried at the dentist today but at least they thought it was because of them

NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs...

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure PHONE: *unskippable ad plays* NURSE: he's dyin SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span ME: that's hard to believe DOCTOR: are you checking your phone? ME: what?

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black? *doctor sighs for like 3 mins* "Sir, its an ultrasound" *Seinfeld bass riff for days*

Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma. Teen: Huh? Doctor: He's in airplane mode now. Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

[Speech Therapy] Therapist: Repeat after me: I'm thirsty Dad: I'm...thirsty T: I'm hungry D: I'm...H...Hi Hungry, I'm Dad T: *throws clipboard*

Your psychiatrist's opinion about your social media habits don't count if he has less followers than you.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. "Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you're supposed to see a doctor."

[x-ray] DOCTOR: wow ME: what DOCTOR: I don't know, there's a bunch of- ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

[Therapist appt.] Hub: She doesn't have her priorities straight. *Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* "That's not true"

THE WEEKND: I can't feel my face when I'm with you DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that's kinda the point dude

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

I just made my Chiropractor's day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria. Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

[interrupts brain surgeon] yes, but I read on Web MD that

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you'd be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

[Rorschach test] Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps Dr: I think we can skip the others

Me: this doesn't seem right Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists M: yeah D: im the one *he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

Me: I'm not going to drink in 2017 *in hospital 3 days later* Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot