Doctor Jokes

1. You're confined to a hospital bed. 2. You're 11. 3. You sustained brain damage in a car accident. - Reasons to watch shows on "The CW"

"Will he ever wake up?" He's been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull* *patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

AGE 18: There's someone special out there for you! AGE 28: You'll find them one day! AGE 38: It'll happen! DEAD: Just be patient!

BRO DOCTOR "Well, looks like we're going to have to check that prostate lol no homo" BRO DOCTOR

*doctor looks up* I'm afraid you have forgetting about 80's bands disease "Oh god what's The Cure?" *doctor sighs* It's worse than I thought

Doctor, reading chart: "Says here you're improving!" Doctor: "...Oops." *slowly turns chart rightside up*

If I was a plastic surgeon I'd probably spend my free time putting tiny breast implants in my toes.

[ultrasound] DOCTOR: oh my god! HER: what's wrong? DOCTOR: Ok don't panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker* MOM: what do u say KID: thanks mr dog DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I'll believe it. I'm not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

[At dentist] Dentist: Any plans for the weekend? Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff Dentist: I'm not doing anything either.

Me: my doctor says if I get annoyed I could die You: so you can't watch that YouTube link? Me: I'm saying it's dangerous to even send them

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, Doc, I'm horribly sick! The doctor looks at her and asks, flu? No, I drove here.

My psychologist and psychiatrist don't agree on my diagnosis so yes, I get what it's like to have people fighting over me.

Doctor: "Why is my waiting room empty?" Judge: "I hauled everyone off to court" Doctor: "You're trying my patients"

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter's forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

My doctor said I shouldn't binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

"I finally caught up with my son." "That's good. Progress. How did it go?" "Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him." - Vader & therapist

Wore a hospital gown to work today and faked a cough for 5 minutes, and they said I could have the break room all to myself.

Pretending you're dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Therapist: what's your problem today? Me: I have this constant eye roll. Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we're done. Me handing him my boxers: I'm in a rush. Just wring these out.