ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

My 2 year old has a pretty big attitude considering that I'm the only one who can open the fridge.

THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon" PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you" PIG: "Oh God, not you too"