DOCTOR: If you don't exercise, there's really no point in dieting. ME: I can't wait to tell my wife the good news.

Therapist: what's upsetting you? Wife: he's always using common phrases incorrectly Me: cry me a table, Linda

[hospital] DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR ME: I'm here for a sprained ankle DOCTOR: She insisted

Wife: how was the doctor? Me: bad I'm dying Wife: I know, how was the doctor?