Doctor Jokes

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what's this for? ME: it's a tip DOCTOR: okay but you're still dying ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.

[hs reunion] JANE: i'm an engineer TOM: i'm a real estate developer AMY: i'm a lawyer *everyone looks at me* ME: *panics* i'm a hospital

Depression hurts. Ask your doctor if maybe he wants to hang out Saturday night if he's not doing anything.

"Look, daddy! I'm a doctor!" "Did you know that's the same doctor kit I played with as a ki... OMG YOU DIDN'T LICK ANY OF IT, DID YOU?"

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Hmmm, why don't we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I'll leave you alone for a few moments... -me as a therapist

Therapist: what was it like growing up? Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

Doctor: "I'm sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners--" Lou Bega: "Way ahead of you."

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine? me: laughter nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD- me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

*emergency room* NURSE: "we're losing him!" DOCTOR [pouring like a lot of buckets of ice water on his head]: "IM WORKING AS FAST AS I CAN"

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself Me: No T: What about other people Me:.....................................................No

Dentist: How often do you floss? Me: Daily Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

The first sign I wasn't going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy "Skeleton Class." Sign two was failing skeleton class.

[hospital] "The results are in. I'm afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live." But does my hair look good?

One of those people out there with protected tweets is your therapist passing your problems off as jokes.

You got acute appendicitis .. No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

*pregnant wife wakes up* I think my water broke *I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed* Let's go to the hospital

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he's a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Leo: *names his child Oscar* Doctor: "Would you like to hol-" Leo: "Say it like we rehearsed it." Doctor: *sighs* "And the Oscar goes to..."

Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression. Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania? *gets leg dropped*

Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this. Doctor: You're not doing anything. You're just sitting there being alive. Me: Exactly.

"Hey Daddy!!! Watch what I can do!!" - aaaaaaaaand hospital.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey