Doctor Jokes

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

[Whole Foods] Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE! *I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

"Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms" -There's nothing I can do "There isn't?" -Not until you bring in your other two arms

*registering with a doctor* Receptionist: "Thanks for filling in the form - you've missed the next of kin section" *batman runs out crying*

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it's cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

doctor: here's your x-ray me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, "I need to make your dentist appointment."

DOCTOR: Here's some medicine, for your well-being. GUY WHO HAS SOMEONE CAPTIVE IN HIS WELL: *thinking* How does he know about the Well Being

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

[getting a massage] Me: I have tension in my lower back. *therapist begins* Me: Lower. Me: Lower. Th: But that's your a- Me: Lower!

dentist was flossing my teeth & said "they're very tight" & I said "yeah they're homies" & he laughed so loud that it made me uncomfortable

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

I can't afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

[Doctor office] -How are you feeling? -Not good. -Any side effects from the medication? *cries tears of fire* -Now that you mention it...

Patient: "How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what?" Doctor: "Nine..."

[Therapist's office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*

Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.

[hospital] Looks like ur Vine went viral. "Yay!" Sorry ur VEIN went viral...you have a fatal blood disease. "So waitmy Vine didn't go viral?"

I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...

I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I'm the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.