My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I've been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.

[getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What've you got?