Animals Jokes

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life DATE: how do you know that *shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

I accidentally kicked my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now he's in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you? Me: Yes, their dog is our dog's brother.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million. How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

The purest love in the world exists between a rapper and his exotic fish tank.

Nice empty fish tank It'd be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES! *the terrarium is invented*

Probably once a year some dumb Whale excitedly swims up to the coast of Wales humming, "Mama, I'm coming home."

It's always cool to swallow your pride unless you're a lion. Lol

Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING - HE WAS UNARMED Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: "DON'T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!"

WIFE: I just bought toilet paper. How are we out already? ME: *hiding dog that I wrapped up like a mummy* it's a mystery I guess

They call cat people crazy but we're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles: 1) Find My Fish Son 2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs 3) Peter Pot 4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face 5) It's Cold

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you're just tired with a cow disease.

Where's Jesus when you need him. There's only 2 fish sticks left and I've got company coming.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I'm okay with it as long as they're happy.

I don't know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks "is that your puppy?" say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good.

I know Pluto isn't a planet you moron. Pluto's a dog.

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

I just ran over a dog. At first I felt bad, but then I realized it was my Ex...