Animals Jokes

[NASA press conf] "good news: we found a cat on Mars" REPORTER: & the bad news? "[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it's sleeping"

The Nathan's hot dog eating contest should contain one poisoned hot dog mixed in with the other hot dogs

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Naming your cat "Whiskers" is like naming your kid "Eyebrows."

"What'd you do this weekend?" I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino?" *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the rooster's insistence that he knows what's best for both of their bodies?

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? nnHe replied....chicken.nnnThank god he is good looking.

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap] dude that things for bears

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I'm a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

[skydiving, first jump] INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready? EAGLE: yes. HAWK: check. SPARROW: ready. PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough... But it's even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers." What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."

Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.

I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for someone who can't even see.

Thinking it's a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

I just pissed like a horse. Not an easy stance, let me tell you.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me? - Haha, no that's ridiculous, Brock.

*Showing me a picture of your baby* Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?

The average monkey swallows 7 spider-monkeys every single night.

[comedy club] Worm: And what's the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?! Other worms: *silence* Early bird: *cracking up*

"As the crow flies" means something entirely different when it's "in your living room" and you are "hiding in the closet with your cat."

Gave my cat some organic soy milk and now she wears two pairs of tiny Toms.