Animals Jokes

The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike! I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn't own a bike.

You can't name your dog Jeff, that's illegal

me: "what is a librarian's favourite food?" dog: me: "SHUSHI lmao" dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

All I'm saying is if I'm not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Hunting should only be legal if the animals are allowed to use weapons as well. I just want to see a bear with a sniper rifle.

[tells friend cat passed away] Is there anything I can do? Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap But I- [starts crying] OK OK

"Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

"Neighbor"- person next door "Neigh! Brrrr!!" - cold horse :(

It's cool that my girlfriend is willing to bear my child, but it would be way cooler if she gave birth to a bear.

I wasn't entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma's gravy recipe was very specific.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.

[Duck support group] "After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day" *the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Twilight werewolf Taylor Lautner turns 18 today. That makes him 126 in dog years so, unfortunately, we're going to have to put him to sleep.

Next time you're swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it's a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun!

"Hire me or I'll eat your family." -effective bear resume

If I could make the ultimate scary animal, I'd make it hybrid with the head of a bear, bear claws, and the body of a bear.

[watching lion king] TIMON: hakuna matata ME: *whispering to date* that means no worries TIMON: it means no worries ME: see?

Me: what make of dog is that? Her: breed Me [hands on knees]: I am, I'm just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

I'm staying at a hotel w/ a 'hotel dog' that guests can walk & pet. Which is 1. adorable and 2. proof that the gov't can access my dreams.

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ''Tim hurt one monkey... he feels bad."