Animals Jokes

*training the dog to sit* Me: So you're already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

It's okay when Daisy Duck walks around in high heels and with no pants on but when I do it people are all "this is a church, young lady."

the craziest thing about today's story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

Me: Hello Teacher: Hello M: How's my kid doing in school? T: How's my kid doing in school? I hate parrot teacher conferences

If this cat doesn't stop trying to lick my plate, we're having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.

Oh good, a gift card to Arby's. *waits for their birthday* Them: Thanks Aimee for the... *opens box* (cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

I think the best way to prevent a polar bear from raping you is to just say "Yes!"

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc DR DOG: I've got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

"I maul out of love" - Bear Supply

me: it smells like updog in here me: what's updog me: not much dog what's up with you lmao me: lol therapist: I see

*dad bursts into my room and puts me in a headlock* "Why didn't you 'Like' the Grumpy Cat meme I posted on Facebook, you son of a bitch?"

Oh we're halfway there Oh oh running from a bear I pushed you down Accidentally I swear Oh oh eaten by a bear You were eaten by a bear

Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.

Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.

The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] "Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat"

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe* Her: OMG, can this date get any better Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

I don't care how hardcore you are. If you don't cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

However rich and successful you are, your cat will never see you as an equal.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God's cat jumped on the keyboard.

My dog stopped digging after I told him he's just gonna end up in China.

Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

[first date] Me: *sees he owns a cat* Him: Are you a cat or a dog person? Me: *maintains eye contact* *pushes cat off the table* *leaves*

me: wanna see my cat's shed? friend: lots of cats shed. why would-- [my cat enters wearing a tool belt] cat: show him the gazebo, too