Animals Jokes

I'm thinking about getting a dog from Asia. Instead of eating your homework, they actually do it for you.

ME: Pet it OPTIMUS PRIME: But I'm afraid of it ME: It's just a dog OP: Oh..ok [reaches out] DOG: [sneezes] OP: [transforms into large truck]

If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me.

No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I'm not keepin some commie cat

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Never look down on anyone. Unless you're a lion cub named Simba and you're being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

*Looks left* *Looks right* *Crosses road* *Gets run over by chicken*

Him: what does a polar bear weigh? Me: I don't know Him: enough to break the ice, my name's John. Me: so's mine.

Dog: Me: Dog: Me: Dog: *spits out pill* Me: DAMMIT!

Obama: Hello Amer- *feels a tug on his suit coat* What Joe?? Biden: What color should the lion be? Yellow. Biden: I'm using green. *giggles*

She was a no-nonsense, high powered executive who played hard but never had time for love. He was a dog who thought he was people.

Just tried to even up my sideburns and now I'm a hairless cat.

It's strange when I see a deer out in nature because I always assumed their natural habitat was right in front of my car on the highway.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn't even know I was competing.

Government Shutdown: Day 4 3am: Monkey House, National Zoo A door crashes open. A triumphant screech. Ben Stiller escapes into the night.

Cat: Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk...Grrrrrplukk... [ *Coughs up hairball* ] Dog: You gonna eat that?

Carp we hit an iceberg! What am I herring? This scampi true! Whale I squid you not Oh cod I can't die Waterboat me? You're so shellfish Fin

Pinterest could've been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn't be a single cat lady left.

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like "ok who did that"

GUY #1: You free next week? GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy. GUY #1: You mean diary yeah? *cow walks by with "dentist 11.30" on it*

After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I've decided I need to up my break dancing game.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she? Me: What do you mean? 4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little.Web md has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus or a dislocated cervix. So..