Animals Jokes

Bear Grylls lies on the floor at Starbucks peeing into his own mouth, "this is literally the only way to survive in this environment"

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn't look anything like me but she's mine. i can tell

I've reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I've attached it to the leg of a deer. I was born to run.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

[holds up bread] "This is my body" [holds up wine] "this is my blood" [holds up puppy] "and this is my new pet" [apostles go fricken nuts]

WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind

Wife "WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?" [Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again...

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

person: what is your dog's name me: he won't say

You can't leave the aquarium with a penguin. It's a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop. Ma'am, it's moving. I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Hello, I'm a bird, I survived since dinosaurs roamed the earth but windows are too much for me to figure out.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal 1pm: small salad, chicken breast 5pm: grilled salmon, spinach 9pm: 4 whole "i don't give a shit anymore" pizzas

I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it's just a scratch MAN: [with a cold] omg i can't breathe i think i'm dying

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar: Air slap bass Air harmonica Silent pig auctions Balloons hitting people The letter Q

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

[PetSmart] *approaches checkout with bird seed* "that all for you today?" Yes. How long does it usually take? "For what?" For them to grow

We need a channel that plays kitten videos. All kittens, all the time. When shit gets intense, turn on the kittens. #kittenchannel

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

I fell asleep & my cat ate the crackers I left on the table. To teach him a lesson, I ate all his Friskies while he's sleeping on the couch.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I've never seen a bear and was like "Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around"