Animals Jokes

This fall on Fox: X-Files Babies. Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

id like to see an elephant put its foot on donald trump jr's stomach and press down until his guts came out of his mouth

[Cat birthday party] *Cat opens gift from her husband* "It's...an empty box." *silence* "Oh honey, I love it!"

[puts cone of shame on dog] ME: (to dog) sory buddy DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

My next door neighbor is a bitch... so I just snuck into her house and taught her parrot to say "my husband can never find out about us."

I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

Skeletor: Nice ride He-Man: Thanks Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it's giving me serious ideas, folks

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

*puts little Santa hat on cat* Hahaha Santa claws *puts little Santa hat on dog* Hahaha Santa paws

Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

*licks stamp* hmmm tastes weird *mails letter* hmmm mailbox had wings *drives home on flying monkey* hmmm that wasn't a stamp

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn't that right, Mistake?

Chick in front of me has 'Charley Horse' tattooed down the back of her leg. Cramp stamp.

*walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table*

son you're getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own; bathing the cat for starters

"I don't have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you," I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

The neighbor's cat brought me a dead lizard while I was outside having a snack on the patio, so it's now some weird interspecies potluck.

*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time* Me: SHUT UP *dog barks at burglar, one time* Me: It's like he just knew there was danger

Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't u share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.

Are you eating Jell-O? Cow: "Yeah." You know what gelatin is made from, right? Cow: "No, what?" Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

"Sorry, I fail to see how I 'misled' you when my profile CLEARLY says I'm 'a total cat person'?" - half-cat/half-person being after bad date

It's fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world." - Hannibal Labradoodle