Animals Jokes

[on the way to the hospital] GF: "let me get this straight. You thoug-" Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

someone just tweeted "do crabs think fish are flying" and i just know this is all i'll think about for the rest of the year

Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum] Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures* Batman: Ugh

HOW TO JOG: 1. Put on jogging outfit. 2. Go outside. 3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street. 4. Try to milk that cow.

I wish I had the confidence to just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.

Responsible pet owners pick up their dog's poop. Cool pet owners pick their dogs up from the airport (after their doggy business trips).

The French cow says MEUX...

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

a romantic scene where we're running toward each other but then i run past you and pick up your dog

"Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?" "Sweetie, I'm pretty sure he's a dog."

Jake and the Cat Man: One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.

Me: You're the only one who truly gets me. Chipotle guy: What? Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don't know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Head says "Forget about her." Heart says "Tell her u love her." Bottle of whisky says"Ride the cat around the house & you'll feel better."

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you've ever seen, is it? "yes, and?" so you've forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

I found a dog (no joke). If he's yours let me know. Male german shepherd. I am teaching him how to use a gun and drive a motorcycle.

The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn't seem to be having the desired affect.

In my dog's mind he's saving the world, one tree at a time.

[wife comes home from work] "why havent you done any of the things i asked you to" [the dog walks past dressed as a policeman] ive been busy

"You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl

That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...