Animals Jokes

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, "YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD," because I am a mature adult.

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it's soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

"Whatcha inventing?" "I call it a picnic. It's a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack." "Can I bring my kids?" "Sure."

"Screw you, my face doesn't look like that at all" - an actual duck.

Bon Iver just walked into my Starbucks. Wait nope just a super sad cat.

I'm calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Just pressed a picture of my new Corvette against the glass of the shark tank at the aquarium & said "You guys ain't shit."

[kung fu fight] "Your tiger claw is no match for my crane." *starts lifting heavy building materials*

You're a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should've considered.

Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn't having it. I made her drag me the whole time.

How boring my life has become! The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm trying to tell my dog I'm getting his food ready!

[first date] ME: I'm having a great time HER: I'm not ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don't even let my dog in here, Janet

Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.

LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie

I don't know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

I'm not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I'm just saying my dog's breath was minty fresh this morning.

Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot

[day after trying sushi for the first time] ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table* WIFE: this isn't cooke- ME: it's sushi, susan

Sitting across from a table of cops at a restaurant and convinced im going to get arrested for how gross I look eating this chicken wrap

"Dad, where do zebras come from?" Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much