Animals Jokes

[landlord walks in apartment] "I told you no pets!" That's a stray gerbil. "And those fish??" ...stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

*Cop Dog radios in* We've got an armed robbery in progress "What's that boy?" An armed robbery on 5th "Timmy's stuck in a well??"

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds? ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Doing the splits is easy -- slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

"Have u seen my cat?" "I saw a cat down the road?" "Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?" "No, the one I saw was dead."

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Sorry my seductive strip tease to Janet Jackson's Black Cat blew your Grandma's pacemaker and caused your Mom to divorce your Dad.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can't WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.

MY NEIGHBOR CAT MITZI JUST LET ME PET HER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2 YRS NOTHING ELSE MATTERS RIGHT NOW ONLY MITZI & I EXIST

I'm not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he's just eaten a candy cane.

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work at 39: ...finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano '98 olympic pins

Customs Police: Do you have anything to claim? Me: A hot dog is a sandwich. Cop: "Please step out of the vehicle"

I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don't have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I've ever had. Also rabies.

My dog doesn't always bark like there's an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I'm home alone and in the shower.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was? [flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills] Me: Easily 10

*sees a cat yawning* How the hell can you be tired?

My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo

6: Why are we at the vet? Me: So our pig can't have babies 6: How do you know she doesn't want babies? Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

Include a snapshot of Doge the dog with your #resume. When asked about it during the interview, reply "What do you meme?"

Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender.

"My cat just got ran over" You cant end a sentence with a preposition "My cat just got ran over lol"

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it might be a grebe. Know your waterfowl.