Animals Jokes

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk? I'ma get get get get you a Neti Pot - a concerned vet to an elephant

CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours? ME: no, he's adopted

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear *before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

Someone asked me if I'm ever scared that I'll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

"Penguins mate for life. Isn't that romantic?" You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it. "You're my penguin."

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that's my cat and we're not done with our accupuncture session.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog? Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. :(

'Bout to get white girl wasted (drink 3 dirty martini's, squeal about loving everyone, eat chicken fingers & vomit).

*Jesus emerges from tomb* Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.

the human body is about 70% water but there is not one fish chillin inside of us smh dam humans wack as hell

She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?! *cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

my anaconda don't want none unless you got snake food this time. last time u tried to feed him buns but the carbs are bad for him

Stomach: I'm hungry. Brain: Chill out, dude, she's in a meeting. Stomach: I WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE A WHALE'S MATING CALL.

*calls son at college* Pop quiz, son "Ok" What's the opposite of a hot dog "Um...a cold cat?" Exactly. Now let's talk about Fluffy

I don't believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he's trying to crank over a motorcycle while he's sleeping.

I bought my dog a toy cell phone, now it takes him 45 minutes to shit.

i was just singing radiohead's 'creep' into my cat's ear and he started meowing it along with me then we both took a shit in his litter box.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off

Not a racing fan at all but 3 simple words would have me practically living at the dog track: little monkey jockeys

[approaches parent with child on a leash] "Mind if I pet your dog?" Hey that's my son! "Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?"

*walks into Kinko's* YO I NEED A CAT SCAN "I'm sorry sir, we don't--" *opens bag & removes a terrified cat* I ONLY NEED ONE COPY. IN COLOR.

? Hey there Delilah, what's it like when u go grazing I know u said you're not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing Did u just moo ?