Animals Jokes

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] "You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes..." Me: "Umm, it's 'fish'." M: "This. This is why."

Greatest Fears: -Sharks -Ebola -Bears -Bear Sharks -Bear Sharks with Ebola -Sharks with Lazers -Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

Welcome to the movie theater snack bar! Have some crunchy popcorn, noisy cup of ice, crinkly candy bags, maracas, bubble wrap, and a parrot!

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal pleaseit's a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing

Pizza Hut: Hello Me: I'd like a hot dog bites pizzas PH: Pick up or delivery? Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

Under pressure, Air Bud's math teacher changes grade from "he's a dog" to a 70

Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good... good. You're all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

My uncle Paul does great bird impressions, He eats worms.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

I'm curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, "I'm going to eat that."

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. "You'll die too," I say. "9 lives," my cat whispers, lighting a match.

Get really close to a dog. Look them in the eyes. Hiss "who do you think you are?" as you pet them

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, "well, at least somebody gets to be held."

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. "Is that good?" No one will make eye contact with me.

*beats dead horse* *kills two birds with 1 stone* *lets cat out of bag* *takes bull by horns* *breaks camels back* *gets kicked out of zoo*

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I'd take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

I'd be super bummed if my Prince Charming rode in on a white horse because you'd think he could at least afford a Kia

Me: I've lost my kitten Cop: How would you best describe him? Me: He looks like a miniature cat

"Women don't like me, idk why?" "Maybe it's because they sense you're a psycho who will decapitate their cat?" "No, that can't be it."

19: Help me think of a tweet. Me: I'm sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is. 19: Maaaaa!