Animals Jokes

"Sorry I'm late" Why are there scratches all over your face? "Jujitsu training" You can scratch in jujitsu? "It's my cat's best move"

elephant: i'm thirsty, how do i drink mother nature: inhale water & squirt it from ur nose directly into ur mouth elephant: what the hell

My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags. People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn't even in it. Incredible strength.

I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.

If you're ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill. Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know.

Benedict Cumberbatch is proof that a white guy banged a cat.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said "He's thirsty and likes to lick himself." I couldn't argue with that.

Monkey: "We're not so different" Me: "Did that monkey just talk to me" Monkey: "Monkey noise" Me: "Did it just say 'monkey noise'?"

[death row] GUARD: Ok, here's your last meal. Bon appetit. CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

I told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he speaks English.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.

are vegans allowed to play Duck Hunt

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn't ring* sure i'll get 1 more chicken

[job interview] "What's your biggest weakness?" "My honesty" "I don't think-" "I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night"

Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant

If you ask a police dog if he's a good boy, legally he has to tell you.