Animals Jokes

My dog LOVES dark chocolate... He doesn't care about antioxidants, it's all about great taste for him

ME: You bring that cash you owe me? ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot. ME: No you didn't.

You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer? -Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts

My mind's telling me "No!" But my body, my body's telling me "There's that chicken salad in the fridge."

This lady at the Edible Arrangement store acts like no one's ever asked for a corn dog bouquet before.

The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog.

"That's so raven." - bird watcher

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed. Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.

I casually mentioned to my cat that I've petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "How many?"

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I'm the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

A woman could tweet "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I'm not dead ;)"

SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT

A bird in the... *BLOCKED* Birds of ... *BLOCKED The early bird catches the wo...*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT -worms on Twitter

To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited?

Me: Can I pet your dog? Stranger: sure M: one more time S: uh, ok M: again S: maybe you should get your own M: pet S: we have to go M: mine

That really wasn't nice of Dorothy to say "I'll miss you most of all" to Scarecrow with Lion & Tin Man standing right there.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Buy an aquarium. Don't buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.

Dog The Bounty Hunter's greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today. My Wife wasn't. She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse. Odd, we don't own a dog.

A movie about a surfer vs. a shark but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.

I'd like the chicken-fried steak, please." Uh lemme get back to you *runs to kitchen* YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

"Drop it like its hot" -Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog